Thursday, April 1, 2010

Valley of the Shadow of Death

Well, I made it.  I have lived through some things that I truly thought would kill me.  I've faced ugly fears and lived to tell about it.  I can't say I was good about it though.
I went in for my d & c today.  I was so thirsty (and had some forbidden water around 5:30 this morning), but wasn't starving.  My mind was too busy.  I was a baby about my iv.  We had agreed (I'd told the doctor, and he agreed) that I'd get something (shot, sedative, etc.) before I got the iv, but it didn't happen.  The anesthesiologist came in and said (all annoyed) that I could have some valium, but then it'd take 30 minutes to work, and then my surgery would get bumped.  Decisions.  I told the nurse she could have one try, then I wanted the valium and bumped surgery.  She gave me some lidocaine, and got the iv in the first time (yes, I've had them taking multiple stabs at me).  I was pretty much hyperventilating (kinda like I do at the dentist), crying, and not being so good.  I just get scared, and can't control it.  They pushed some stuff in my iv, but my adrenaline was so high, I never felt it.
They took me to surgery (with me not really wanting to go, as I liked the babies just fine where they were), and it was freezing.  I was shaking so badly, and the nurse asked if I was anxious or cold (they could've hung meat in there! and why does it have to be so cold?).  I told her both, but mostly freezing.  She untied my gown, took off my robe, and moved me over to the freezer-bed.  Before long, the anesthesiologist came in, gave me "oxygen", and a shot of a very painful medicine in my iv, and I was sucking in the crazy gas.  I was out pretty quick.
The next thing I knew was waking up in the recovery room crying.  I was hurting.  I told them my pain was a 2 or 3, but apparently that wasn't the right thing to say (and I realized I should've studied those little face pictures with the numbers they gave me yesterday).  I kept rocking from side to side holding my tummy (still crying, no meds), and she asked again, so I upped it to 3 or 4.  Finally, she gave me something, and within a couple minutes the pain slowly lessened.  Within five minutes (when I was just thinking I could take a nap), she took off my leg massagers (to prevent blood clots-and no, I couldn't feel massaging), pulled back the blankets, and swung my legs over the side of the bed to get up (already?).  She walked me to the bathroom, told me to go, then told me my clothes were in the chair, and I needed to get dressed.  I did what she told me, then opened the door ('cause, what now?).  She walked me to a chair, got Ches (yes, he came), gave him exit instructions, and told him to get the car.  Angie got the van, and I got in.  She tried to send the blanket home with me, but I didn't really want it.
We went to Collier's and filled my prescription for Percocet.  I was nervous not to have any medication at home.  We went home, and mom made me some chicken soup (I hadn't eaten since yesterday!), and I laid in bed.
I stayed in bed all day/night, and did fine.  I took more medicine around 4, then around 9:30.  I have taken one each time-I don't want to take too much!  I'm waiting on this one to start working before I go to sleep-I don't want to wake up in pain.
Jenifer came and made dinner-Mama Z's spaghetti (she made the sauce!), bread and salad-sooo good.  I was starving by then, and ate tons.  She'd said last night she'd make food, so I didn't bother to make anything this morning.  We all ate so much, but there's more left!  Ahh, I'm requesting (and begging for!) the recipe.  It's so good.  I think if you've grown up eating it, it makes it even better.  Mmmm...I needed something good. 
I've done better than I thought I would.  I thought I'd be in horrible pain, sleeping, and whiny.  But it's been okay (as okay as it could be).  I can feel my tummy is empty, and I'm dealing with it.  It's still kinda big, but not all round-y and firm like it was.  I already miss them.  I did ask what they would do with them, and if I could see them.  He said he's had people ask to have their babies, but he doesn't recommend it.  He said they don't look like you think they do.
We also asked if he could tell what sex they were, and he said probably not.  He said he couldn't tell (and I wonder about the whole process really, and if that's why they can't tell).  I am trying not to think about it.
I'm mentally okay too and thankful.  It could go either way in the next week or so, but I'm trying not to lose all hope.  I didn't lose my uterus, and that's a move in the right direction.  The doctor said that there was a lot of tissue and blood, and he's glad I let him do the d&c.  It went fine.  He said if we try again, we need to wait at least 3 months.  A year=the soonest we'd have a child.  Now, I have all sorts of other things to sort out.
I think my medicine is kicking in, I have no pain, and I should sleep.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I'm supposed to take it easy, and Saturday should be better.
My admissions nurse had a quote above her desk (on a teensy post-it) which I've read before, but it's reassuring to read again: The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.  I can't find scripture reference, as it seems to be a quote, but here are the two nearest references.  It still makes me think, and you just want to believe it.  Of course it made me cry (especially since it was just up there for her personal reminder, but it helped me too).  God put it there, and I know.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.  1 Corinthians 10:13

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11


The Mom said...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Amen and well said.

L & H

Thanks sweet Angie and darling Jenifer~~~

Busymom said...

Thank you, Mom, for all you did too. You were here all day filling in the blanks and being my substitute. I appreciate you-and will be leaning on you for a while longer. It will be a time before everything is back to (semi) normal.
Love you too : )

The Mom said...

Just call whenever you need me. I could never be a substitute for you, your kiddies think you walk on water, but I can play, kiss, and feed the little sweeties! Tomorrow will be a fun and relaxing day. Love and hugs~~