I've made it this far. And that's good enough for now.
We did go to church, after much agonizing discussion. We debated on going to another Mass (another time or church), to make it easier, but in the long run it just prolongs the process, and I love my friends at church, and they love me. It was therapeutic. I mean it's always good, but sometimes you are so deep in yourself, you can't see anyone else. It's nice to look out and see other people alive and living their lives.
Today, Karen and Tom did Children's Liturgy, and Fr. John said they might need help. I debated and waited till the kids had gone back, then did some more debating with Ches, and went back to help out. I missed the homily, but I know Fr. John posts it online, so I'll check it out later. : ) It was good, and almost all the kids were good. The gospel reading was about laws, and we talked about God's law vs. man's laws, how their different, and the consequences. The kids knew a lot, and one boy kept telling that if you do bad things, you get the death penalty. I'm wondering how he knows all about that. Another girl kept laughing at everything. I can see why they need help, and really more teachers to rotate. I just can't take it on right now. Ethan's almost old enough, but my future is blurry right now.
We had pizza and went to Tim's. It's always good, I have their number in my phone, so I call ahead, and it's ready when we get there. That's my Easy Button. You can't push it too often, but it works. Ethan is getting so much bigger, and behaves at least 20% better than he did this past winter.
My whole world has changed, and it's just weird. Very Surreal. I'm back in my What To Do Next phase, and we'll just wait and see. There's not a right answer, and I like that. I can't choose wrong.
Ches says now that maybe it was toxoplasmosis. He looked some theories up online, and it was his conclusion. We all want an answer, and he's a disease specialist (and teaches epidemiology). It's his thing. So, it does stand to reason. We have had more to do with Purrahna (feeding and petting her), she lives at our house/yard/porch/deck. She poops in Ethan's sandbox (along with all the other cats), and Ethan just scoops it up and throws it out (yes, gross). We also learned that cats get it from birds (and I've been feeding the baby birds, and tapping the nest to get them to wake up. So, yes, I've learned something: you don't even have to have a cat to get it! I'll have Dr. Gorman test for it tomorrow just to see. I know it could be anything, but if you are in our situation, you look for any possible reason.
Tomorrow, back to the doctor, more probing, and maybe more answers. I think I'm ready to go back. I feel braver, more in control of myself, and I can do it. Maybe I won't lose it.
Just pray for us. God knows what we need even more than we do. Just pray for His will. He has a plan better than I could ever dream. He got me this far!
May is almost here.....
1 day ago