Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Breathe In, Breathe Out-Slowly

I've got a few minutes before I get the kids up for school.  Yesterday was the most horrible day yet.  I think it was everything together.  April fifth is when we would have had the first baby (from July), and my hormones were (are) crashing, I woke up at 6 am (my new inner alarm clock-hasn't failed yet) after an awful dream, we had a rough morning with the kids, I woke with a headache (that didn't leave me till I fell asleep at 9 last night), and then I lost it after the kids went to school.  I think I had an anxiety attack.  It started easily enough-just crying.  Feeling bad after the kids left.  I sat down to eat breakfast, and stupid Bringing Home Baby was on TLC (and who left the tv on 48?), and stupider me watched part of if it.  I think I realized that it sucks to actually have (give birth) to the baby, but then you have the baby.  I don't have a baby to be my "reward" for all the pain.
Then I talked to Angie on the phone, told her what was going on (me losing it), I got off the phone and took a shower.  Somewhere in that time frame, I just lost it (I truly don't have better words).  I was crying, but then I couldn't catch my breath, so I was breathing fast/really heavy.  Then I didn't have the strength to stand up, so I sat.  Then I still couldn't get enough air-I think I was getting dizzy from breathing hard.  It's still hard to look back on it, but it helps me see what happened.
Ethan came in, since Ches was getting ready to take him to Mother's Day Out.  I felt horrible, I couldn't talk to him or say bye.  They just left.  I finally pulled it together, and got out.  After I had some control, I called the doctor's office and asked for some anti-anxiety medication that I could take in the day that didn't make me sleepy.  They called in some Lexapro, and I lost it a little when she said that it wouldn't fully work for a month (geez, can I wait that long?) Anyway, I started it yesterday, so I hope it starts to work soon.
I felt myself getting really upset when I came home from picking Ethan up yesterday, but I was able to concentrate on breathing, and I was fine.  I just get overwhelmed.  Too many things to think about-and on top of all stuff baby, and not understanding, I can't find clothes to wear.  Yesterday, I got dressed, but was still crazy sweating, and I could smell b.o.-even after I used my deodorant!  I grossed out, threw the shirt in the laundry, washed off, and tried a better deodorant (not the silly moisturizing one)!  And what to cover my tummy with?
Today my stomach is a little smaller.  Good, but sad.  Maybe I can wear some of my regular pants today?  I weighed, and I had gained weight-go figure.  Guess it's all the sleeping I did over the past few days?  I'll work on it.  Just keep breathing.
So, I'm hoping today is better.  (I really don't think it could get worse.)
It's time to get the kids going, so I'd better go.  (And take my meds!)  Ha.  It's not funny, but it's all I have to laugh at.  ..Let's be happy for something small today.  I'll try to find the tiny things.  What can you find?
**Update:  I am having a better day-I feel more like myself.  Busy, accomplishing things, making beds and breakfast.  Just better.  Thanks for your prayers.  They are working!**

No comments: