Today I had my year-late yearly appointment with my ob/gyn. I had such a run of appointments/pregnancies/miscarriages, that I was seeing doctors all the time, but I never got a pap smear, so it was time.
I've been taking baby aspirin (to mildly thin my blood, both for my heart and for pregnancy help) for over a year. I forget that it thins my blood, so when I cut myself on my new razor (dr appointment=new razor) it bled and bled and bled..and hurt! I wish I'd remembered to take the aspirin after my shower. I just adore that lovely bit-o'-toilet-paper-stuck-on look. It has that French-oo-la-la, come hither look. (or maybe just an "I-have-smooth-legs-look") ; )
Anyway I got Ethan dropped off at Mother's Day Out in Rogers (after a crying jag since it wasn't "dinosaur school" (Montessori has this little hare skeleton, and it will forever be dubbed Dinosaur School, but alas-he only goes on Thursday & Friday). I made it to Bible study, and after some great discussion about how hard things can be when you are pursuing God's will, I had to leave for my doctor's appointment. It gave me some thinking time about this theory (I'd had) that God's will is the easier route, that He'd part waters for you, prepare the way before you, etc. I was wrong. Usually the right path is upstream, hard, bears resistance, and usually involves hecklers (see Acts 17). So, if you are being heckled, you might be on the right track.
My doctor and I chatted about our family, Kansas City, and asked where we were in the process (since I started seeing a fertility specialist last August). I updated him on my surgery last September, and that I hadn't been pregnant since. He told me that after my year (going on two years now, but he was referring to my horrible past year), maybe I should let it go. He said not only had we been having a hard time already, but that now Ches and I were both a year older. (and on a side note..I have to have a mammogram. I'm that old.) Boo hoo hoo.
This was kind of surprising to me. I didn't know he felt there was a time to let go if you wanted a child. I told him I'd considered IVF (although I don't know if my uterus would carry a baby anyway), and he said he didn't recommend it. I had mentioned that I'd started praying for not only God's will, but that if it wasn't His will for us to have a baby, to take away the desire (and therefore the disappointment). He said that was good, and he wasn't sure we were supposed to have a baby. He said if God wanted us to have a child, he'd make me pregnant, and God would prove him (my doctor) wrong. Oh gosh, how hard it was to take. That's all I can say.
I cried for a while after my appointment. I mean, there's nowhere to go from here. Or that's how it feels. So, now you can pray with me for a miracle. Or for peace. (or both?)
The next hardest thing was telling Ches. I can't label my feelings exactly, except that he's disappointed, wants another baby (more than me), and in quitting I feel like I'm letting him down. It's hard to be that person, but I'm a people-pleaser, so it hurts me as much as him. Oh, the pain in my heart. For me and for my family-it's like the burden falls to me since it's my faulty uterus. Everyone wants a baby, and I'm the only one who can carry it.
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On a positive note, Mary Claire had better blood sugars today, so I'm hoping the yuck is over. She wants to go to the doctor (she loves those people!)..am I encouraging a love of doctors? I promise I didn't mention I'd been today! I'm still working on her specialized meter-carrying purse. It's almost done. Want a sneak preview? Here's a little look:
|She chose pink and chocolate and sequins.|
Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.