Baby Aspirin + New Razor = Trouble

Well, I learned the *hard* way that baby aspirin, new razors, and my ob/gyn don't mix.
Today I had my year-late yearly appointment with my ob/gyn.  I had such a run of appointments/pregnancies/miscarriages, that I was seeing doctors all the time, but I never got a pap smear, so it was time.

I've been taking baby aspirin (to mildly thin my blood, both for my heart and for pregnancy help) for over a year.  I forget that it thins my blood, so when I cut myself on my new razor (dr appointment=new razor) it bled and bled and bled..and hurt!  I wish I'd remembered to take the aspirin after my shower.  I just adore that lovely bit-o'-toilet-paper-stuck-on look.  It has that French-oo-la-la, come hither look. (or maybe just an "I-have-smooth-legs-look") ; )

Anyway I got Ethan dropped off at Mother's Day Out in Rogers (after a crying jag since it wasn't "dinosaur school" (Montessori has this little hare skeleton, and it will forever be dubbed Dinosaur School, but alas-he only goes on Thursday & Friday).  I made it to Bible study, and after some great discussion about how hard things can be when you are pursuing God's will, I had to leave for my doctor's appointment.  It gave me some thinking time about this theory (I'd had) that God's will is the easier route, that He'd part waters for you, prepare the way before you, etc.  I was wrong.  Usually the right path is upstream, hard, bears resistance, and usually involves hecklers (see Acts 17).  So, if you are being heckled, you might be on the right track.

My doctor and I chatted about our family, Kansas City, and asked where we were in the process (since I started seeing a fertility specialist last August).  I updated him on my surgery last September, and that I hadn't been pregnant since.  He told me that after my year (going on two years now, but he was referring to my horrible past year), maybe I should let it go.  He said not only had we been having a hard time already, but that now Ches and I were both a year older.  (and on a side note..I have to have a mammogram.  I'm that old.) Boo hoo hoo.

This was kind of surprising to me.  I didn't know he felt there was a time to let go if you wanted a child.  I told him I'd considered IVF (although I don't know if my uterus would carry a baby anyway), and he said he didn't recommend it.  I had mentioned that I'd started praying for not only God's will, but that if it wasn't His will for us to have a baby, to take away the desire (and therefore the disappointment).  He said that was good, and he wasn't sure we were supposed to have a baby.  He said if God wanted us to have a child, he'd make me pregnant, and God would prove him (my doctor) wrong.  Oh gosh, how hard it was to take.  That's all I can say.

I cried for a while after my appointment.  I mean, there's nowhere to go from here.  Or that's how it feels.  So, now you can pray with me for a miracle.  Or for peace. (or both?)

The next hardest thing was telling Ches.  I can't label my feelings exactly, except that he's disappointed, wants another baby (more than me), and in quitting I feel like I'm letting him down.  It's hard to be that person, but I'm a people-pleaser, so it hurts me as much as him.  Oh, the pain in my heart.  For me and for my family-it's like the burden falls to me since it's my faulty uterus.  Everyone wants a baby, and I'm the only one who can carry it.

* * * * *

On a positive note, Mary Claire had better blood sugars today, so I'm hoping the yuck is over.  She wants to go to the doctor (she loves those people!)..am I encouraging a love of doctors?  I promise I didn't mention I'd been today!  I'm still working on her specialized meter-carrying purse.  It's almost done.  Want a sneak preview?  Here's a little look:

She chose pink and chocolate and sequins.

 

Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

Matthew 17:20-21

The Misunderstood Trip

A big miscommunication led to a really long road trip today. We had this wonderful Saturday opportunity-a whole day opened up for us to enjoy! I took my time, got the kids their baths, made sure they cleaned up their rooms, made beds (maybe this is what I enjoy? Odd.)...and then. Ches and I were having a good day (tell ya more later), and we chatted about what we'd like to do today. We decided we could take a trip-maybe Branson to pick up the First Communion dress I bought this week (well, called and paid for) at Strasberg, we could go to Tulsa and play at Kaleidoscope (the Children's Museum) and go to Pottery Barn Kids, and Ches thought maybe we should go to Fort Scott, Kansas and visit his dad's grave site. Well, who am I to weigh PB Kids over his dad?

We all got ready, and didn't leave here till about 1:45-way late for a day trip, and Ethan had been up since 6am! He was so tired, but we were just sure he'd nap in the van (yeah, we were proven wrong). We have been planning to go to Ft. Scott since last May when we didn't have time to fit it in around Memorial Day. And every day is filled with so much (especially those four-basketball-games-a-day Saturdays in the fall!). Anyway, I thought Ches really wanted to go somewhere in our still-new van, so we got flowers, a camera, snacks, movies, and books for the kids, and left. Long story short, we got there, found his stone, took pictures, taught the kids a little about a national cemetery (like that the veterans' wives are buried on the opposite side/back side of them with the headstone engraved on the back-no, I didn't know this-but Ches did), and learned that they are picking up all flowers on January 20th. Sad, isn't it? They'll only be there for four days, but we just couldn't pick them back up. They talked to their grandfather they've never met, and we said goodbye.

We got back in the car and headed right back home. Can you believe that? I can tell you part of the reason-there's not much up there. It is a very small town (well, they have a Pizza Hut you can eat in, which boggles our mind because our PH is gone!), and there isn't anything to do. So, we drove back to Joplin, ate dinner, and came home. That's it. The kids are in bed, and our Saturday is gone. It was okay, I wrote some thank you notes, read magazines, the kids read, played games, and watched movies. We just spent it confined in a van.

On the way back home, I asked Ches if he was glad he went, if he felt better after visiting. He said, "I thought you just wanted to get out of the house!" Ha. Ha. It was all a misunderstanding. I thought he'd wanted to go somewhere, and he's suggested Branson, and I'd thought he felt he needed to see his dad. So, we learned something today! We will talk-and be specific and honest-on our next free Saturday (like next year or whenever). We'd both wanted our free Saturday to be at home relaxing, but we thought the other one wanted a day out! Crazy. At least we learned something, so it was profitable.

On another note. We went back to the doctor yesterday. We went together, so I wouldn't forget anything. I won't go through the whole thing, but he told me not to worry about the time restrictions he gave me on having a child before I turn 37. That was probably the biggest relief for me. I was so worried, not knowing if he was going to tell me that my time was up, or if he would help us. I felt like it was a toss up. It went fine, after he got in there (an hour late, but I have to assume he was delivering some blessed family's baby). He is so personable and even funny. I feel like he'll do what he can to help, so we will stick it out. He ran a panel of tests, so I hope I hear how they went on Monday. He told me I could continue my baby aspirin every day (I learned WaY too much online: to remedy/help prevent problems with antiphospholipid antibodies), and take it until we hear a heartbeat (he is ever the optimist), and he'll check my progesterone next month 7 days after ovulation. There's a plan, and not too invasive, so I can handle it. He wants me to stress less this month, and not try too hard (ie: not check for ovulation or pregnancy), and just to come in for blood work if I have pregnancy symptoms.

Long story, but it's our life right now. We went out on a date last night (we needed to get out together!), and went to PF Chang's. We are not big believers in luck or fortunes, but we do enjoy getting our fortune cookies! Last month, we got "big surprises in your future" (which I complained that we did get a surprise, and a letdown, but Ches thinks the surprise is in the future still), and last night Ches got "Beginnings are the hardest part, don't lose faith". I think you can find God and your faith anywhere. Even in a cookie.

Thanks, God for placing Your words in our hands. We needed a vote of confidence and a ray of hope. ...It's hard making a decision that you feel God drew you toward, and then failing at it. It sure makes life confusing.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6