Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Motherhood (has) Rocks (and grass stains)

Of course my goal is always to be nice, but ick.  Sometimes it's hard.

I'll start at the beginning (and go till I get tired..).  I went back to the doctor today for another ultrasound (same results).  Then we had another doctor appointment, and he really recommended a d & c.  He said I could do it the other way, but if I lost too much blood, I'd have to have an emergency d&c, and by then, I'd be compromised, causing more possible damage.  Long story short, I go in tomorrow for surgery.  He didn't want to wait too long.  (I read that they don't want to let you go for more than three days, since the depression after becomes more serious.)
So, I went downstairs to the hospital, worked my way through pre-admission, then had bloodwork.  I cried while they were drawing blood (I'm sure partly out of anxiety, partly because it made it seem a little more real).  They told Ches he could come over by me, and he did.
Ches had told me by noon, he had to go (this dragged on for hours).  We left there about 12, and went our separate ways.  The doctor had given me a prescription for Xanax to help me sleep, so I stopped by to get it filled.  I had to get something to eat and pick up Ethan, as my Mother's Day Out was nearly over (never what you envision for your Day Out).
I stopped by MarketPlace, and who do I see running into the movies?  You'd never guess, so I'll tell you.  My husband.  Yep, color me so proud.  I'd been tagged and banded (and have to wear it till after surgery tomorrow), had blood drawn, discussed students watching (no), and the process and recovery.  And he was going to be late for his movie.
I drove over to make sure it was his car, and I wasn't mistaken.  I've learned that you can't know anyone too well.  I called his cell phone, and he didn't answer.  Later he called me, and told me he was "making his way to the University" (by way of Hot Tub Time Machine?).  I told him I'd seen him run in (and he'd changed into shorts! Convenient).  He told me he'd felt guilty that he was at the movies, and he'd left.  I said, no, you didn't answer my call, and the call made you feel guilty, so then you left.  He said that was true.  (First Truth)  He didn't have anything else to say (and there's nothing more at that point for him to say, as nothing would have been good enough).
I picked up Ethan, and went home, and there he was (after I told him not to come home-after he said he could "cancel his schedule and come home to help") (so...cancel the movie plans?).  I just took my Xanax and laid down for a nap.
I know I have to get ready-tomorrow I'll be useless, and so much needs to be done.  I have been working my way through the laundry (maybe only two more loads to go).  Clay was complaining he had no more baseball socks to wear to practice today, and he said I could check the clean laundry.  I said there was no clean laundry to check.  I felt bad.  It's been at least a week (far too long).  I've washed, folded, and hung.  I'm getting there.  And he has baseball socks now.  I'm planning to make some baked potato soup in the crock pot in the morning so we'll have dinner.  I'm trying to think ahead.
Ches was telling me at the doctor today what a crazy, busy day he has tomorrow, so I told him Angie had told me she'd come down and go with me tomorrow (since I can't drive myself).  (Maybe there's another movie tomorrow?  ...I promise to let it go soon.)
Angie will be here in the morning, and I have to be at the hospital by 10:30 or 11 (I have to call to see how the surgery schedule is going, I'm fifth), and my surgery isn't until at least 12:30.  Then they promised me they'd give me something for anxiety (or put me to sleep) before they do my iv, as I want to remember nothing, especially falling asleep.  It only takes about 20 minutes, then I'll be in recovery for a while, then go home within an hour and a half.  The worst is I can't eat after midnight tonight, so I'll be starving by noon tomorrow!  The admissions nurse said I could wake up before midnight and drink a glass of water so I won't be dehydrated by noon tomorrow.  Joy.
Ok, one more thing.  When you send around an email to tell people of the tragedy of another, you should try to ensure that all recipients have good email etiquette.  I received one of these "forwards" today, and it just killed me.  Not only that someone was unintelligent enough to send it on to me, but that there were people talking about me (even if it seemed nice enough).  All email addresses were still in the email, and it was just painful.  May we all take a lesson, (1) don't forward, and if you absolutely must, (2) delete everyone's email addresses, and make sure if it's about someone, (3) that they don't get it.
Ok, one more.  And I'm sure I'm ultra-touchy, but give me a pass this time.  If you are a nurse at an ob/gyn's office, and someone has just had an ultrasound, and looks all red, blotchy, and teary, DON'T ask all perky, "How did your ultrasound go?"  I just stared at her.  So, she asked again, and added, "Didn't you have an ultrasound this morning?"  I said, "Badly".  Her: Oh really?
And I'll end on the tiny happys that happened today, since we all need a break.  We hid and hunted for Easter eggs today (and hid chocolate surprises in some of them, and ate them!), Mary Claire asked all about friendship bracelets (and ordered 8 in pink, purple, baby blue and lime green-then wanted to know if they were done yet?), we got out my old embroidery floss, and we started some.  I called an old (junior high) friend that I used to make them with, and we got to catch up while she coached me over the phone.  I'd made a roast this morning, and left it in the crockpot all day, so I had a good dinner.  Ethan asked for Bible stories again tonight, then he wanted to tell stories!  He kept telling me, "Once upon a time..there was a beautiful man named John (we've been reading in Luke when Zechariah was told he'd have a son, he didn't believe, and was mute till he told what the child's name would be, John the Baptist was born, etc.) and he had a pond, and his brother told him to Stay away from the pond! And he did.  (and he retold the story over and over!)  It was so cute that he was making up a story and using story words.  I almost fell asleep laying there, but it was precious.  I'm working on being thankful for the kids I have here with me.  Well, walking around with me.
I kinda would like to ask to see them tomorrow, but I don't know if that's weird.  Or if it'd make me feel worse.
My doctor did consult with another doctor, and said there is one more panel of tests (of even more rare complications and blood clotting problems), and he will run those in about 4 weeks.  He has one patient who has one of the clotting problems, she had miscarriages, and is still currently pregnant.
Last thing I have learned.  Just because someone is pregnant, doesn't mean there is going to be a baby at the end.  Don't take it for granted.


Anonymous said...

You are so in my prayers and thoughts today. Science and doctors giving it a reason doesn't do much for a Mothers grieving heart. I'm so sorry to read of the deaths of your much loved twins.
From your words they were loved and treasured since they were first known to be. I hope your faith stays strong & one day it all does become understandable.

Blessed are the Moms that still do the laundry

Love & Big Hugs,

Holly said...

Thank you, we appreciate absolutely all the prayers, and we need them.
I pray I can understand one day, but I wish it was sooner than our day together in Heaven. I'm trying.
I have to do the laundry : ) And today he had clean baseball pants AND socks-lucky duck. We are blessed, we try to remember. There is so much to be thankful for.