skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Maybe a quick post?
How do you prepare to say goodbye when you know it's coming? We found out for sure on Tuesday (well, maybe Sunday with those pale positive tests) that we were pregnant again when I had blood work done. I was so very nervous to get excited again, so I held off. How do you insulate yourself from excitement? Fear will do it. I could say it was wise, as today we found out it is failing. My hcg is dropping, so it's only a matter of time. It's hard, to say the least. I don't want to stop my progesterone, but that won't really save anything, just prolong it. I can't figure out how to prepare myself, knowing it's coming.
How do you say goodbye to a sweet baby that's never really made it into the world? How do you ask those who've gone before you? You don't. It's too hard. I've learned that there are some paths you walk alone. And here I go.
There is so much to think about even as I go forward. Will we go this route again? I'd said I couldn't do this again. And I'm getting ready to do it again.
I have tons of questions, and I have an appointment to let my doctor field my millions of questions in two weeks. Hope he scheduled me enough time. Really.
Ches has done his best to distract me, bless his heart. He is precious, and indulgent. He got me a new van (and we thought we were preparing for another child..), then he surprised me with a new computer (a serious surprise!), and he just keeps trying to help me. He is going through it too, but I wear my feelings on my sleeve, and he is a man. He does it so much better than me! He asked me if I needed to go to Branson or go shopping. Bless his heart. Not like I have the energy or desire. I just want to stay in bed and sleep till it's over.
It's so amazing how much your perspective can change your attitude. It's wrong, but many of us do it.
I'm so thankful for what I have, and don't want to cheapen it by sounding like I take it for granted. I'm so blessed and so very thankful. I just set up in my mind this expectation (first mistake) that we could have more kids when we decided (second mistake-it's not all about me). I truly did take my fertility for granted. I'm still young, so why would I have a problem? Ugh. No one can answer my questions, and I doubt the doctor can either. It's a God thing. I am fully aware that He has a plan, and I just don't know what it entails. It shall come. I do know that if I get pregnant again (big question mark here right now), I will always second guess it, wonder constantly how long it'll last, and will have trouble enjoying it. I just will. You really take it for granted if you've never had a problem.
Ok, gotta move on. It was going to be short. Just lots of weight as I move to the new year. What will next year hold? My goals include cutting my stress, cleaning up even more. Maybe even streamlining my decor to make it more simple? (is making dusting easier a goal?), maybe calming down my colors (hahahahaha), I'll keep myself busy, don't worry.
I can only say I'm thankful we are halfway through the week, and I'm still making it. It was Dead Day on campus today (meetings and a party), so Ches will be home for Christmas soon. I can't wait-I'm so tired!
It's always busy, but this week is yuck. Monday night we made dinner for some friends, and as soon as the kids got out of school, we drove it to them. They loved it, and all wanted to live there! (in the country!) We saw a knobby tree, creek, and it was just so peaceful. : ) Then we headed back to town, stopped at Sonic for dinner (lotsa fun), and then everyone had to go to the bathroom in their back bathroom (more fun!). Next we took Ethan to the doctor (yes, Ches was in class or we'd have split up the kids!). He had a 102 degree fever, and had had icky poop since last Wednesday. It was determined he had an ear infection and a virus. We got our meds and on to the next errand (yes, I'm crazy). We went to Target to get some canned food (Campbell's was on sale!) and a movie (as we'd already been on the road for 3 hours at that point-what troopers!)-they picked School House Rock! Then to a local teacher store to get Clay's teacher some unifix cubes (they had a food drive-20% off your purchase with cans-hence the Target trip).
After that, we headed home finally. We were on the bypass with Ethan screaming about his eyes hurting, so I turned the video off. I thought maybe the bright light and being tired was hurting him. Maybe a bad choice, in retrospect? At our exit, he promptly threw up! I still don't know if it was more virus, new virus?, or car sickness, or Sonic? The kids started screaming it stunk. I pulled over, cracked the windows, and helped him through it. We got back on the road, and made it home. I had never been so thankful to pull in my driveway!
The kids were good, and started getting jammies on, snacks, and brushing their teeth, as I was cleaning up Ethan and getting him to bed.
I stayed up, cleaned off his clothes and the car seat cover, then ran them through the wash, then washed their coats (extra energy?). He got up a couple times, but never threw up again.
The next day, he woke up at 5:15, and our days started too early!! We took it slow-I was afraid to give him too much to eat. He did fine until around 4:30 or 5. His fever was up to 104.5, so I called the doctor again, and gave him Tylenol. He'd already had two doses of antibiotics (cleverly disguised in some cream soda), so why the spike? They suggested we come in and transferred me to appointments. Their first available was at 8:20! PM!
We took it, and then had to get on with our evening. Mary Claire had gymnastics from 4:30 to five, then we missed church (it was a holy day), and got Clay to his play at 6:15.
I took Ethan to the doctor while everyone else was tucked into bed. He got a flu test first (lovely swab up his nose), and waited 15 minutes for a negative result. Next he got a Rocephin antibiotic shot, and we waited another 15 minutes for a reaction. We didn't leave there until 10:06!
And it seems Ethan was quite the entertainment for the evening. He kept yelling, "No Thank You, No Thank You!" when she came to give him a shot. Then, "Booboo Hurts!" if I quit rubbing it. The nurses just thought he was so cute. I guess it was so late, they were getting delirious. We were the last people to leave! Then when I got preoccupied on the way home telling Ches about our visit, Ethan would yell out, "Ma-mop!?" and I'd ask what? "Booboo Hurts!"
So this morning, it was back for a chest xray, and it was negative. It appears to just be wheezing (inhaler 4x a day), and some mucus. . .
Ok, I have to finish another day. I have started three times, and it just isn't happening this week!
Yeah, I know. It's been a while. I've started two posts, but never finished or actually posted them. It's been that kind of month. And it's over! Tomorrow begins a new month, so I'm starting fresh too.
Clay had his movie birthday party-absolutely the Best Party! A little fun with the kids, as much popcorn and soda as you can hold (oh, yes, it upped the bathroom frequency..), a movie, and that's it! They clean up, and we go home. It was lovely, really. I would SO do it a million times over! : ) I hope there's a movie coming out for Mary Claire's birthday next year...I'll have to work something out with Disney. Heehee.
Then we had Thanksgiving here, very nice. More cake for Clay with family. Then we had his big dinner out Saturday night (he had his choice: Saturday for dinner or Sunday for lunch), and he chose Red Lobster. We like it too, but we remembered why we haven't taken the kids for a while: the $72 bill. The kid orders like a pro! He had the Ultimate Feast (only $22.99!) with lobster tail, crab legs, shrimp, fries, and I don't know what else. He ate every single bit of it, and brought the crab claws home and put them in the refrigerator (yes, it freaks me out just a tiny bit to see them). We actually do this from experience. If you let him keep them in his room, they begin to stink! Anyway, he got the big song and dance, and was adored. He was so sweet! He is very happy to be truly nine, and says he doesn't feel much different than he did at seven. (I don't feel much older than I did at 16 or 17, so I understand!)
Now we are back to school for the last three weeks, a countdown to Christmas. Advent has begun, and we already have two loops cut off of our chain. We are inching so close to Christmas. Is it me, or is this year going super fast!?
We've begun our Christmas card list (well, actually I've printed labels, and am halfway done sticking them and stamps on the envelopes!), toured the Lights of the Ozarks on the Fayetteville square, Christmas shopped with the kids (ha-fun, until Ethan no longer was allowed to keep adding to the cart-for himself!), and have put up one Christmas tree. I don't know why, but I'm feeling like keeping it so much more simple this year. I have two more (big) trees, and bazillions of garland for all the curtain rods and stair rails, etc. but I'm just wanting to celebrate more and decorate less.
The kids did get their trees out, and each got a new ornament Saturday afternoon. Mary Claire's lights aren't all working, and it's on my to-do list (to buy a new set!). We'll get there.
I like that Ethan's birthday is right after Christmas. He knows that it's coming, and I think he understands the "celebration" that goes with it. It's good that we have a Little People Nativity that he can play with, and we can remind him that it's Jesus' birthday too! Let's remember the Christ in Christmas this year! : )
Luke 1:30-33 (NRSV) The angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end."
Advent begins a new liturgical year for the church, so we begin fresh with the birth (and preparation!) for Jesus. I can remember finding out with each child when I was pregnant, and every time it was with immense joy. I can only imagine what Mary must have felt like to learn she was pregnant from an angel of God (and not a pregnancy test!). But to think that her tiny baby would grow to be a king and have an unending kingdom? How hard to conceive. I'm thankful for my humble kids who will grow up not as kings, but mere servants. I know she was an amazing woman to have found favor with God!
Today was our school's flu vaccine clinic. What a day! I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically! I was Ms. Tracy's "right-hand-man" and ran errands, called parents, ran to the office, hugged kids, gave out suckers, pulled forms, sent kids to tables, etc. It was a good day, and I felt needed and like I really helped.
I really like these days. Sometimes I don't get to help anyone outside my family, and I just love to be available! There were some screamers, one who passed out (hyperventilated really), lots of tears, and some surprising brave kids who didn't need anyone to hold their hand or anything! They actually surprised me more than anything else I saw today! : ) Maybe I stand amazed since I hyperventilate at the sight of a needle, so the young people who don't - wow.
My kids only got the h1n1 flu mist today, so they weren't afraid. Clay did plug his nose, and wouldn't let the nurse spray into it for a couple minutes. It just prolonged the process, but he didn't realize that. I went through with some kids I knew and some I didn't. It's almost better if they aren't with their parents; they almost behave better! I think their bravery shows.
We are still busy-at-it, with basketball pictures and practice tonight, the same tomorrow, and a JDRF event tomorrow. I've pretty much accepted lots as standard, so I'm fairing well. I am into a great book, so now I'm pretty preoccupied! I haven't watched tv in a while, and I have to finish! I'm into three books currently, but it's fiction, so somehow it goes faster! I'll be done in a couple more days. I love to throw in some fiction for fun (and escape from real life?) now and then!
Ok, so my posting is less frequent, and lower quality...heehee, like it was ever great. I feel like it's between errands now, but I suppose it's better than nothing. : )
