Thursday, December 31, 2009

Saying Good Bye, 2009

Maybe a quick post?
How do you prepare to say goodbye when you know it's coming? We found out for sure on Tuesday (well, maybe Sunday with those pale positive tests) that we were pregnant again when I had blood work done. I was so very nervous to get excited again, so I held off. How do you insulate yourself from excitement? Fear will do it. I could say it was wise, as today we found out it is failing. My hcg is dropping, so it's only a matter of time. It's hard, to say the least. I don't want to stop my progesterone, but that won't really save anything, just prolong it. I can't figure out how to prepare myself, knowing it's coming.
How do you say goodbye to a sweet baby that's never really made it into the world? How do you ask those who've gone before you? You don't. It's too hard. I've learned that there are some paths you walk alone. And here I go.
There is so much to think about even as I go forward. Will we go this route again? I'd said I couldn't do this again. And I'm getting ready to do it again.
I have tons of questions, and I have an appointment to let my doctor field my millions of questions in two weeks. Hope he scheduled me enough time. Really.
Ches has done his best to distract me, bless his heart. He is precious, and indulgent. He got me a new van (and we thought we were preparing for another child..), then he surprised me with a new computer (a serious surprise!), and he just keeps trying to help me. He is going through it too, but I wear my feelings on my sleeve, and he is a man. He does it so much better than me! He asked me if I needed to go to Branson or go shopping. Bless his heart. Not like I have the energy or desire. I just want to stay in bed and sleep till it's over.
It's so amazing how much your perspective can change your attitude. It's wrong, but many of us do it.
I'm so thankful for what I have, and don't want to cheapen it by sounding like I take it for granted. I'm so blessed and so very thankful. I just set up in my mind this expectation (first mistake) that we could have more kids when we decided (second mistake-it's not all about me). I truly did take my fertility for granted. I'm still young, so why would I have a problem? Ugh. No one can answer my questions, and I doubt the doctor can either. It's a God thing. I am fully aware that He has a plan, and I just don't know what it entails. It shall come. I do know that if I get pregnant again (big question mark here right now), I will always second guess it, wonder constantly how long it'll last, and will have trouble enjoying it. I just will. You really take it for granted if you've never had a problem.

Ok, gotta move on. It was going to be short. Just lots of weight as I move to the new year. What will next year hold? My goals include cutting my stress, cleaning up even more. Maybe even streamlining my decor to make it more simple? (is making dusting easier a goal?), maybe calming down my colors (hahahahaha), I'll keep myself busy, don't worry.

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