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I've made it this far. And that's good enough for now.
We did go to church, after much agonizing discussion. We debated on going to another Mass (another time or church), to make it easier, but in the long run it just prolongs the process, and I love my friends at church, and they love me. It was therapeutic. I mean it's always good, but sometimes you are so deep in yourself, you can't see anyone else. It's nice to look out and see other people alive and living their lives.
Today, Karen and Tom did Children's Liturgy, and Fr. John said they might need help. I debated and waited till the kids had gone back, then did some more debating with Ches, and went back to help out. I missed the homily, but I know Fr. John posts it online, so I'll check it out later. : ) It was good, and almost all the kids were good. The gospel reading was about laws, and we talked about God's law vs. man's laws, how their different, and the consequences. The kids knew a lot, and one boy kept telling that if you do bad things, you get the death penalty. I'm wondering how he knows all about that. Another girl kept laughing at everything. I can see why they need help, and really more teachers to rotate. I just can't take it on right now. Ethan's almost old enough, but my future is blurry right now.
We had pizza and went to Tim's. It's always good, I have their number in my phone, so I call ahead, and it's ready when we get there. That's my Easy Button. You can't push it too often, but it works. Ethan is getting so much bigger, and behaves at least 20% better than he did this past winter.
My whole world has changed, and it's just weird. Very Surreal. I'm back in my What To Do Next phase, and we'll just wait and see. There's not a right answer, and I like that. I can't choose wrong.
Ches says now that maybe it was toxoplasmosis. He looked some theories up online, and it was his conclusion. We all want an answer, and he's a disease specialist (and teaches epidemiology). It's his thing. So, it does stand to reason. We have had more to do with Purrahna (feeding and petting her), she lives at our house/yard/porch/deck. She poops in Ethan's sandbox (along with all the other cats), and Ethan just scoops it up and throws it out (yes, gross). We also learned that cats get it from birds (and I've been feeding the baby birds, and tapping the nest to get them to wake up. So, yes, I've learned something: you don't even have to have a cat to get it! I'll have Dr. Gorman test for it tomorrow just to see. I know it could be anything, but if you are in our situation, you look for any possible reason.
Tomorrow, back to the doctor, more probing, and maybe more answers. I think I'm ready to go back. I feel braver, more in control of myself, and I can do it. Maybe I won't lose it.
Just pray for us. God knows what we need even more than we do. Just pray for His will. He has a plan better than I could ever dream. He got me this far!
Don't really know where to start. Yesterday was the worst. In my Baby History, I think.
I lost the baby. There's no way to mince words here. It sucks, and I'm sad, and crampy, and tired, and haven't had time to rest. That's partially my fault as I'm looking to busy myself and use the avoidance technique. Clay had a soccer game this morning, and I had to get his uniform washed and dried, and Mary Claire has a birthday party this afternoon, and needed a gift, her bath, and wanted her special "cake" clothes since it's a Cake Party. It's another day in the life of my family, and I can't stop to mourn when I have three very alive children at my house.
The first sadness was all the blood/clots in the toilet. It's just seems morally wrong to flush it. I had a very hard time letting it all go. I mean, doesn't it deserve more respect than flushing?
I had blood work and an ultrasound done on Friday, and it took half the day. It wiped me out emotionally. The next ickiness was that I had to sit in the waiting room with all the pregnant (but yes, nice) women and their mothers/husbands as they waited for their ultrasounds. The only books I picked up were Mommy books and magazines. Didn't need that. And then, there was the Lab. Getting blood drawn next to a sweet mom getting her glucose test (about 24 weeks, I think?) done. I was hyperventilating (or just breathing really hard) and trying to pull myself together to go back out in the big waiting room to await the next step. Not only did they have to do an ultrasound, but they had to do a transvaginal ultrasound, since I wasn't very far along. Yes, in that spot where the baby was passing. That was maybe the fourth? wrong thing of the day. Just a rough day.
My doctor was very sweet and sympathetic, which I needed. He requested that I come back on Monday and do the lab and check again. The labwork takes four hours so I have to drive down twice. : (
I am sad, but I understand it just wasn't right. The conditions, the baby, something. God knows what He has planned, and I can respect that. Really. Maybe the timing was off, I don't know. I'm glad I had the opportunity to be pregnant again, it's exciting. Just the happiness you get to carry around with you. That you know, even when other people don't (and can't "see" it yet). I had thought it'd be our last. I don't know if that's still true or not. I thought my life was working out as planned, and now my plans are bust. There's something relaxing about not having a plan (and a little out of control). My job today is to usher my family through today, and into tomorrow. We'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here. May God bless us on our journey, and may we trust in His plan.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under Heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
If you're my friend, I love you. I don't not want to talk to you, but it's hard to relive with each person. It just makes me tired, and I don't have the strength. It pulls all my emotional strings. Just pray for us. Pray for the family I have on Earth, and the little one who got to go back to Heaven early. May we too get to see His face one day.
*Note: I think it was pseudoephedrine yesterday, not phenylephrine.
Today was a home day. I was planning to take a Sick Day, and kinda did! Ches took the kids to school for me, and I lounged on the bed. For a whole 12 minutes. I did stay off the computer all day. Ethan and I strolled around the property (heehee) a few times, checking out our plants, butterflies, bees, angel, and weeds. We pulled the ones we could (weeds, not plants). We have a few pumpkin plants growing on accident out front. Last year, after pumpkins were carved, Ches washed the squish off to the sides of the sidewalk. SO, now the seeds have grown roots, vines, and flowers. We'll see if they produce! Who knows? We could be Accidental Gardeners! And maybe even Successful Gardeners, if we're dreaming!
Then we worked with Papa a little more on the deck. Ethan got nice-n-dirty, played balance beam on a board, played on the slide, and got lots of exercise! He also spilled his drink on a chair cushion and on the deck, and needed a bath immediately afterwards, but oh, what a nap he took! : ) He slept like a baby. Well, better than one!
I took a tiny nap, but it counts! Any sleep is good sleep. I actually slept through the night last night, and felt so much better this morning. I'm hoping for more tonight! I didn't get a few things done today, so now they've been bumped to Friday. I did get some vacuuming done, it freaks me out when it's been too long! If I can see bits on the floor, it's just gross.
We also have some other new pets. Our bird nest in our wreath in the front door is minus a mommy. (Yes, the mommy that flew all around our house last Thursday.) So, I've looked up what they can eat, and have fed them a couple times. Get this. They eat every 30-60 minutes during daylight hours. I mixed cat food with sugar water, and gave them cottage cheese curds with tweezers. The momma has been gone for a day and a half, and they've gotten some fuzz on them. They are maybe a week old? Poor birds. And Purrahna (can't remember how to spell it-Purr and Pirrahna, the neighbor cat we've started feeding-she lives in our yard) is just waiting on our porch (it's raining, too) smelling baby birdies. It's just sad. I read that even if we keep them alive, the momma usually teaches them to fly and hunt for food. So, who's gonna do that? : ( Cheese curds is about as far as I can go.
Ches asked me if I'm going to help out at the school this year. Last year I went one day a week (only for an hour or two), to help. I just don't think I can. If it was copying for the teachers, I could do it, but it never is. When I get busy helping a child with work, I can't leave. I feel like I need to help them finish, then before long, I've run over my time (and into their next subject)! I might email to see if they need a copy person, but really, I'd bet there's someone with more time than me that wants (?) to do it. That could totally be rephrased, but I'll just let it go.
And I'm hearing meowing. Bad sign. And I feed her too. To keep her tummy full, so she won't eat my birds!
No time to blog post. Tired and cranky and still stuffy and runny. : P
Just the Highlights (and Lowlights). You decide:
* Joined the Mothers Without Makeup/Morning Hair at school dropoff this a.m.
* Waited an hour to see Clay's ENT to tell me he's fine.
* His ear drum is healed.
* Less achy, more snotty. Me, not Clay.* Bought more soft tissues and drug-type things at Wal-Mart including Mucinex. See number 3.* Yes, can take Sudafed pregnant. Yes, amazing. No, didn't take it again.* Had a taco and strawberry smoothie.* Got my oil changed. Finally.
* Almost fell asleep with phenylphrine noise in my head in the waiting area.* Now my blinky, yelling van has stopped with the warnings.
* Found out my brakes are between 5-6 somethings (good, no need for new ones)
* Found out I need my next big service (60,000 miles). Have I driven that far?
* Worked on my deck with Dad! Worked on decking, rail, coverup of junk/tree branches/leaves underneath.
* Blew my nose a lot.
* Needed a trash bag on the deck JUST for my tissues.
* Joined the Tired Moms with Hair Up (and sawdust on their faces) at School Pickup. Or maybe I'm their president.
* Watched Ethan swim alone in the pool. (well, sounds weird. He was swimming without anyone holding him. Hands were 4 inches away) Don't Freak Out.
* Made dinner. Ham Baked Potatoes
* Wrote 12 thank you notes!
* Managed to come up with some food for your thought even though I didn't think I had time.
* Going to say prayers that I'll be better tomorrow.
Your turn! Entertain me!! : )
