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Another Crafty Day! : )
I started this morning, making more thank you cards. I stamped, and punched, and made tags with ribbons:
Next, I mounted them on the cards:
Then, I had to fill a couple in-we are so blessed that our friends are giving to our team, Mary Claire's Friends Who Care-even online! : ) They get super-expensive, and I'd much rather make them-so cute!
This morning, I made copies at the school, didn't even get to see my kiddos : ( then went by the church to get started on the books/envelopes. And what to my wondering eyes did appear...but my long-lost friends! They were up front getting ready to say the rosary together. Sweet Becky came back to invite me to pray with them-I couldn't even tell who they were up there. The church is dark in the afternoons, but I don't need much light-there's plenty coming through the stained glass. ..Anyway! I went up, and they had already gone through their prayer intentions, and they made me laugh (if that's not wrong?)! They had prayed for everything-so they said I was covered! Then (since there were five of us), we gave thanks between each decade-and they pray FAST! Whew-I thought I was fast, but they were tongue-twisting me! It was good to pray together-there is always strength in numbers. : )
So, then I finished the books, got some lunch, and went back to Hobby Lobby today after seeing how amazingly sewing occupied my kids-they LoVeD it! I got a few more colors of embroidery thread, more needles (with bigger eyes!), and a sewing kit for Mary Claire-I was planning to buy the little things, but it was just easier (and cheaper!) to get a little sewing kit (and it came in PiNk!). So..we used it all again today! I was most surprised how Clay got into it. We just all sat in my bedroom floor, listened to music, and sewed. Even Ethan sewed stitches!
Here is Ethan and his "pillow". He did the green stitches on the white felt, then asked me to sew on pom-poms: The green is him, the orange is Clay, and Mary Claire is blue (so sweet!), then he wanted me to make a pillow so he could stuff it! He plans to use it for his beanie baby Elephant to sleep on (yes, he decided this on his own!):
(This was later, he was over in the corner, cutting up fabric with Mary Claire's new scissors)
This is Clay's pillow he made for Mary Claire's Polly Pockets-so sweet of him, and he made the pillow, stuffed it, closed it, made the blue lines, then wove the green in-so detailed! I only helped him thread his needle once, and helped him tie a couple knots. (This tells me Mary Claire will be so advanced in a year!):
(Don't you love how you get all these close-up looks at my carpet??) heehee
So, then we had dinner, Ches took Clay to baseball practice (first game tomorrow!), and I watched Ethan swim, while I closed up Mary Claire's next cupcake. She's decided to give the Practice Cupcake to her teacher, so she wanted to get hers done. She did everything else, but asked me to close up the brown cakey top to the cupcake wrapper:
I forgot to tell you that Clay lost a tooth today-a Big Boy tooth! He told me it was loose last night, but since he's my oldest, I wasn't sure it was a tooth that was supposed to come out. I told him to leave it alone! Well, he pulled it at school. He learned at GT yesterday all about stock, and told me he wants to save his money and buy Wal-Mart stock! That is an expense I can get behind. : ) So, all this evening was about the Tooth Fairy. (!) We've totally covered this, but he figures he'll get more this way (I think). He made her a new wand, magnets to carry metal teeth (!), a string with handle (to slide down from lamps), and wrote her a letter:
Then, he stayed up (since it was Friday), and made her a pillow, bed, and blanket, and sewed them all together:
Can you see the tiny bed? He said she's only the size of a nickel, and Mary Claire argued she's Polly Pocket size, then they argued over how she carries money. Clay says she uses her magic wand to shrink things down. He had this pile of stuff to put under his pillow (what a job for me!), so I had him put the "kit" in a Ziploc, just so she doesn't "forget" anything! And since our tooth fairy is Super Forgetful, I have a huge document on my computer that *hopefully* will remind me!
So, then the kids went to bed, and I continued my next project: the matching hairbows! I think I told you I ordered the ribbon last week, and now it's time to get down to business. The JDRF Walk to Cure is next Saturday, so Chop-Chop! We picked turquoise with zebra, so here's our bow:
I usually make them bigger, but I've had a few girls register to walk since I ordered ribbon, so I've had to shorten them each a tiny bit so there's enough matching ribbon! My goal is 20 bows, so let's see where I am in a week.. I think I've made three turquoise, and one zebra = that's a lot left to do!
Sick. I've been coming down with something-and It's here. Ick. I went to church, but I wanted to come home-then they went out to lunch without me. I was totally fine with it, I just wanted to go to sleep. I think all the staying up till midnight last week working on Mary Claire's notebooks for the nurse/teacher, labeling snacks, updating charts for the notebooks, etc. wore me out!
I remember I was sick this time last year-about the first time I miscarried. That day is coming-as is September-the month the twins would've been here. It might be a rough month. Ches just brought it up Friday night when we were out. I guess I'm trying to stay positive, since we are still in the process. I have to call the doctor in Little Rock on Monday to schedule my HSG (hysterosalpingogram)-I'm guessing it'll be the end of the week, maybe next week? I found a Youtube video on it-not so thrilling. It checks for problems, but can actually cause some problems. I guess it can't get worse, so I'll go ahead. This will be the last of the tests, as now I think I've had them all! There is still chromosomal testing, but I don't think we'll have them-we've had three healthy babies-in a row!-and it won't help much unless we'd do in-vitro, and we don't plan to go that far.
We're just trusting God to provide us information and lead our family. He has a great plan-and we can't wait to live it. If it is just enjoying the family we have now-we can appreciate what we have and live each day to the fullest. If it includes a bigger family, we'd love that too. We always say we have faith, but until it's tested with some No's or obstacles, we never know how strong we really are. It's easy to be a great Christian when it all goes well, it's harder when we don't get our way. I still believe there's a reason for everything-I've seen it play out too many times to doubt it.
I have a friend that says she's walking 'through the desert', when she doesn't hear God. I love her, and respect her faith, and I know exactly what she means! I still hear God, but there are long dry spells, and God just wants me to pull closer, to listen more carefully-He's getting ready to say something phenomenal! I remember teaching-and if I wanted the class to get quiet, I'd whisper. They'd hear something, and get really quiet! Then I'd whisper the instructions, and they'd all start whispering-it was great. God does the same thing-He isn't going to yell over the world's chaos-He'll wait till we hear the whispering-then we get quiet and listen.
I'm listening, God! What's that phenomenal thing You wanted to tell me? I'm preparing my heart to listen.
I always told Ches when when we were first married that we needed to go out on the weekend. Friday or Saturday, I just wanted something to look forward to! So he really does his best. We used to take the kids out when they were tiny, then for a while we traded babysitting with a friend, then as the kids got more independent, we got a babysitter. Even if we can't get one (because they're all so good-and busy!), we still go out.
We went out Friday night with the kids. We took them to see Ramona & Beezus (pretty good, a three out of five), and then to dinner. Saturday we swam, then had our showers and went to Missouri. We had plans to meet one of Ches' high school friends for dinner in Joplin (we were meeting in the middle), but it ended up that he couldn't come. We'd already told Ches' mom we'd come, so we did! We dropped the kids off (we'd never left them there before!), and they played with their cousins and had dinner, while we went out. We went to see Dinner For Schmucks* (which I didn't think would be that funny, but since it had Steve Carrell-I was there!), and it was really funny! Not Date Night Funny, but really good. It had a good ending, so it was my kind of movie. Definitely better than Ramona. (They didn't stick to one book, or even the plot in the books-they just used the title and characters to sell a movie-and Ramona's mom was totally not pretty in the book-quite the opposite in the movie-there were lots of differences-and I totally didn't picture Aiden as Mr. Quimby!)
So today is relatively calm as we went to church (so different than in NYC!), and went to Jose's for lunch. (they have tv's in the booths, so the kids LOVE to go there-good selling point, Jose's!) We'll swim, maybe get a nap (if we're lucky!), and get ready for another big week.
Tomorrow I'm going to another specialist in Little Rock. It's a totally different clinic than the one we went to last time. Hopefully the doctor will be nicer than the last specialist! My doctor recommended this one, and made me the appointment, so I have higher expectations. It's actually an ivf clinic, and I'm not sure why he chose them. We don't have a problem getting pregnant, it's just staying pregnant! I hope to learn something, gain some hope, and not lose all my blood. Ches thinks we have nothing to lose by going, but I don't see what one more person can add. We'll see. Keep us in your prayers!
*In the movie, they never actually used the word schmucks. They actually called it a Dinner for Idiots. The boss collects things: people. Special people. He likes all the employees to come, bring an extraordinary person (read: idiot), and he gives a trophy at the end of the night to the best (worst) idiot. The employee who brought him moves "up" in the company). Yes, a crazy theory, and they say that all through the movie, but it ends well, I promise.
I have about 25 minutes till the Xanax kicks in to help me sleep. The old-fashioned way is just not working.
I made it through another day. I had my hair appointment this morning (if I'd rescheduled, it'd have been a good month to wait for a new time, and no thanks), so Ches drove me. He didn't work today, and I did need it. We got some pizza for lunch, and I laid down as soon as we got home. I didn't realize I'd let my pain medicine lapse, so by 6:30 this evening, I was in awful pain. It took almost an hour to start working since I'd just eaten, but it's better. I just don't want to take it all then run out, or get used to a lot, then they won't work when I'm hurting badly. But I'll try not to go so long if I can remember. I'm trying to tell someone when I take something (I always have this ambulance vision, where they ask what I've had. I want them to know!).
I've done more thinking-about everything. I don't know if I mentioned it (I don't think so), but I had a doctor's appointment last Monday (the 22nd), and the nurse said if it'd ease my mind (since I was crying), she'd try to check for fetal heart tones. She said it was just for fun, and if it'd scare me if we heard nothing (which was possible, she said), then we shouldn't check. I thought for a few minutes and told her I wanted to try to hear them because the benefits of easing my mind would be worth a lot. We tried, and heard nothing. She had me go to the bathroom to empty my bladder, then we listened again. She was pushing so hard on my body, it was hurting, but I wanted to hear as badly as she did. Still nothing. I didn't get too upset in the office, since she'd told me it might still be too early. But when I got in the van, I called Ches. I was upset. I tried to think reasonably, and I'd already felt them (all 8 legs and arms, and such a small space I guess), so I didn't worry too much more about it. She said I could come back on Thursday to try to listen again, but I thought if I still didn't hear them, it would be agony waiting for my ultrasound till the next Monday. I tried to be mature and patient, and waited till the next Monday.
I'm wondering if yuckiness was in the back of my mind, and I didn't want to give the thought room in my head. I also had a bad dream last Thursday. I woke up to a dream of Ethan falling off a huge ledge, and I'll spare you all the gory details, but he died in my dream. I couldn't catch my breath, I jumped out of bed, and panicked. I prayed for it to go away, for me to forget it. (I was having really bad dreams all week, but I read it was normal with the hormones running rampant.) Now all these things come back to me. Were they my body's way of preparing me? Was there something happening that I just didn't know? What if I'd insisted on an ultrasound the week before? What would I have found?
Now we found tons more info today about everything from miscarriages (I ordered three more books) to progesterone (did you know it rises all through pregnancy?), to fetal and maternal medicine specialists (we called the office in Little Rock for an appointment-at 4:30 today-and they had already turned on the machine for the weekend, they close at 4:30 every day). I am thankful to even know that I haven't lost hope.
I'm tired of crying, it wears me out. I want to be strong, and focus on the future-on what I can DO, but then what I had planned keeps creeping in. I lost not just two precious lives, but the dreams and hopes I had for them. I had worked out so many scenarios-like how to let them both wear the baptismal gown we had made almost 10 years ago-that all our kids have worn, how to get them both out of the car if I'm alone, how to feed them both, we studied options for another bed, for double strollers. It all seems so vain now. Why did I spend my time praying for two placentas so they'd be safest on my way to the last ultrasound, when I took for granted they were even alive? I mean, when do you slip from thank God for this day being pregnant to please let them be healthy and safe? We begin to take a tiny bit for granted, and it just feels wrong now.
I miss them already. I know I already lost five pounds, and it doesn't make me happy. My tummy is going down, but I'd gotten used to sleeping with my hand on my tummy at night. I'm totally less sleepy, but my doctor says it's because my mind can't slow down (but is it dropping hormones?).
I'm starting to relax and get sleepy, so I guess it's been 30 minutes. I pray for my kids, that they weather the storm (they see me damaged, Ches stressed, extra people here, their schedule modified), for our families' patience and time with us, and for us to not go overboard on a mission. We pray for our friends to stay strong, to not lose hope because of us, and for all the other families suffering at this same time. It's hard to reach out and minister to others when you are in pain, so we are of no help to anyone else right now. It's like all other things become unimportant, invisible even. The pain is blinding. I'm sorry if I'm failing you; I can't promise to do any better any time soon.
Today, Good Friday, Mary watched her Son carry his cross and die his earthly death-the agony in her heart is palpable. I can feel it. He was taken down, wrapped in linen, and laid in the tomb. We eagerly wait for the day we roll back the stone, and see the empty tomb. We can't wait to celebrate Him rising. May I humble myself again in awe and appreciation-and prepare.
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. John 14:3
Is it too early to wear sandals? If it's 60 degrees (for the high), is that ok? I'm ready. I finally got my nails (toes) done yesterday-and I wore sandals, metallic flip flops actually, all day. I couldn't mess my toes up, but I'm just ready. It's been nasty ol' winter for too long now, and we have a few 59-60 degree days, I'm callin' it spring! Mary Claire was excited to see my sandals-as it means there's Hope for our Arctic Wave. Anyway, if you see me out, just don't look at my feet, unless you can say something nice. Maybe I'll just skip right to summer!
Ethan may have a milk allergy. He got up night before last, and was gagging, and trying to throw up. He finally did-just a little bit-and it was his frozen yogurt he'd had for snack. If he has chocolate milk or a milk not mixed with a buffer (like cereal with milk, or cheese and crackers), he gets sick. He had icky poop a couple weeks ago when he had chocolate milk right before bed, but now this. Yesterday-nothing. No gagging, no "tummy hurts"-nothing! I only fed him non-dairy, but he was fine. I don't want to take a chance, but eventually in a few days, I'll have to try dairy again to see if that's what it is. I want to wait Just In Case this was a virus. Poor kid-he LOVES cheese and dairy. He eats piles of grated cheese in a bowl for a snack. (Yes, I get it pre-grated at Sam's by the two-pack!)
Mary Claire has had some really random lows lately! She was 46 evening before last-that's really low. She couldn't walk, but was all wobbly, and made it to tell me she felt low. I told her to sit or lay down, and I'd be right up (she was upstairs)-and she couldn't understand me. Ah, scary. I ran up, checked her, and she was definitely low. I'm just so glad she can feel it now-we used to just happen onto lows like that, if you can imagine! Which is why we like to check her so often, even now! Anyway, I gave her some glucose tabs (4g sugar each), and then ran down to get her some juice. She couldn't sit to drink it, and I had to tell her to suck on the straw-she gets all fuzzy when she's low and makes no sense. She kept at it and eventually she was fine.
Then yesterday at school, she ran low at 11 (just 70), had 8 grams of snack, and came back at 11:20 feeling low (63 and 65 with recheck, since it seemed impossible!). She just kept dropping. At that point, we look at active insulin, but crazy-to eat and still go low! She started on her lunch, and we dropped her insulin bolus for lunch (and I was so worried since she was going out for recess-yay, warm!), so I reduced her a little too much (-.3), and she was 200 at 1:30. It's all crazy, but at least she'd come up! She had a playdate after school, and I didn't want her to have to miss it due to her stupid blood sugar!
Clay was so funny yesterday! He came in, and when I told him to hang up his backpack, he said he forgot to take it to school! So, he said he didn't have his lunch, and he had to get a tray. We got his backpack out of the car, and there was no lunch in it. He looked at the menu, and he'd circled the food! Guess he forgot that he was eating what he wanted? Weird. I do remember running out with his library book (Book the Eighth, Lemony Snicket), and he held it in his hand. I guess he had the Important Thing, so he forgot the big Carrier of Important Things!
Ok, today is the next grocery trip. By yesterday we had quite a list, but Ethan was in a "No Wal-Mart!" mood, so it didn't happen! I try to go along with him, because if he doesn't want to go, he'll make it really bad for you. Who says you don't learn new tricks when you're old? The other thing I've learned: I let him buy one thing (grocery) that's junky or whatever, then he's really happy. Last time it was yogurt-covered raisins! And they were really good! I'd never had them, not really liking raisins, or things covered in yogurt (when you can get them covered in chocolate? No way!), but they were good! And since they had a couple grams of fiber, I said yes! They are since gone, but alas, we'll try something new today. He likes to troll the shelves at about 3.5 feet: cart height. Don't think for a minute that grocery planners don't plan this!
Say your prayers, and be thankful for what you have (low blood sugars, throw up, forgotten backpacks), sometimes it's more than others have. I'm still thankful for each day I make it a little farther. My friend isn't having a baby with me, and it breaks my heart. What to do alone? I don't know anyone else pregnant, and I hope she doesn't lose her faith and perseverance. She still has months to be pregnant with me-and I can't wait for her to try again-really. I'd almost help if I could. Well, I'll teach her about her cycle, and my new trick-ovulation predictor kits! I even have a whole extra set, test included! Did I tell you that story? She is going to be gifted with it when she's ready. Anyway, pray for those that are great moms and just want to share their life and body again.
Lucky You. You get to hear me vent. If you can't handle it, run now.
Last chance to turn back. Don't blame me later.
I've learned that not everyone in my church is really a Christian. Really. I know you probably already know that (maybe even about your church). We know that it's just a collection of sinners trying. They just try in a different way. I just hate it when it is a glaring obvious fact that I can't deny. And I have to admit that yes, they go to my church. Yes, I'm embarrassed to be in the same location as them at least once a week. Yes, they warm a pew, but no, they don't seem to learn anything by osmosis. I just hope they aren't out in the world proclaiming to be a Christian (which I know they do, as they are pride-filled). Ahh, I'm no better as I rant about them.
I hate it when someone thinks they are so good, and they make fun of someone else to make themselves look better. It's either the underdog in me, or my need to cheer the underdog. This person made fun of another parishioner (one of my friends from Bible Study) publicly. How could you find enjoyment in this? I called a good Christian friend for wise counsel, and I'm praying for the meanie (fellow sinner) now. She (Good friend) also reminded me to tell Satan to get away from me, as he was fueling my anger. The stupidity was wrong, I defended my friend, and it's enough. I'll just pray that the meanie becomes more like Jesus, and has the opportunity to meet Him one day.
I just can't imagine. The finding pleasure at making fun. I've never understood that. I do know, from psychology, that it means that person is insecure.
May you be secure enough that you never sink to that level. That you never need to hurt someone to make yourself feel stronger.
To the Meanie: That other person is doing the best she can, and struggles to be a better person in her sleep than you are awake! She constantly reflects to make herself more humble, and a better mother. You should consider it. Tone down that pride, and take a look at your own life.
Note to self: Keep praying for meanie. No one else may be praying for her.
I've made it this far. And that's good enough for now.
We did go to church, after much agonizing discussion. We debated on going to another Mass (another time or church), to make it easier, but in the long run it just prolongs the process, and I love my friends at church, and they love me. It was therapeutic. I mean it's always good, but sometimes you are so deep in yourself, you can't see anyone else. It's nice to look out and see other people alive and living their lives.
Today, Karen and Tom did Children's Liturgy, and Fr. John said they might need help. I debated and waited till the kids had gone back, then did some more debating with Ches, and went back to help out. I missed the homily, but I know Fr. John posts it online, so I'll check it out later. : ) It was good, and almost all the kids were good. The gospel reading was about laws, and we talked about God's law vs. man's laws, how their different, and the consequences. The kids knew a lot, and one boy kept telling that if you do bad things, you get the death penalty. I'm wondering how he knows all about that. Another girl kept laughing at everything. I can see why they need help, and really more teachers to rotate. I just can't take it on right now. Ethan's almost old enough, but my future is blurry right now.
We had pizza and went to Tim's. It's always good, I have their number in my phone, so I call ahead, and it's ready when we get there. That's my Easy Button. You can't push it too often, but it works. Ethan is getting so much bigger, and behaves at least 20% better than he did this past winter.
My whole world has changed, and it's just weird. Very Surreal. I'm back in my What To Do Next phase, and we'll just wait and see. There's not a right answer, and I like that. I can't choose wrong.
Ches says now that maybe it was toxoplasmosis. He looked some theories up online, and it was his conclusion. We all want an answer, and he's a disease specialist (and teaches epidemiology). It's his thing. So, it does stand to reason. We have had more to do with Purrahna (feeding and petting her), she lives at our house/yard/porch/deck. She poops in Ethan's sandbox (along with all the other cats), and Ethan just scoops it up and throws it out (yes, gross). We also learned that cats get it from birds (and I've been feeding the baby birds, and tapping the nest to get them to wake up. So, yes, I've learned something: you don't even have to have a cat to get it! I'll have Dr. Gorman test for it tomorrow just to see. I know it could be anything, but if you are in our situation, you look for any possible reason.
Tomorrow, back to the doctor, more probing, and maybe more answers. I think I'm ready to go back. I feel braver, more in control of myself, and I can do it. Maybe I won't lose it.
Just pray for us. God knows what we need even more than we do. Just pray for His will. He has a plan better than I could ever dream. He got me this far!
No time to blog post. Tired and cranky and still stuffy and runny. : P
Just the Highlights (and Lowlights). You decide:
* Joined the Mothers Without Makeup/Morning Hair at school dropoff this a.m.
* Waited an hour to see Clay's ENT to tell me he's fine.
* His ear drum is healed.
* Less achy, more snotty. Me, not Clay.* Bought more soft tissues and drug-type things at Wal-Mart including Mucinex. See number 3.* Yes, can take Sudafed pregnant. Yes, amazing. No, didn't take it again.* Had a taco and strawberry smoothie.* Got my oil changed. Finally.
* Almost fell asleep with phenylphrine noise in my head in the waiting area.* Now my blinky, yelling van has stopped with the warnings.
* Found out my brakes are between 5-6 somethings (good, no need for new ones)
* Found out I need my next big service (60,000 miles). Have I driven that far?
* Worked on my deck with Dad! Worked on decking, rail, coverup of junk/tree branches/leaves underneath.
* Blew my nose a lot.
* Needed a trash bag on the deck JUST for my tissues.
* Joined the Tired Moms with Hair Up (and sawdust on their faces) at School Pickup. Or maybe I'm their president.
* Watched Ethan swim alone in the pool. (well, sounds weird. He was swimming without anyone holding him. Hands were 4 inches away) Don't Freak Out.
* Made dinner. Ham Baked Potatoes
* Wrote 12 thank you notes!
* Managed to come up with some food for your thought even though I didn't think I had time.
* Going to say prayers that I'll be better tomorrow.
Your turn! Entertain me!! : )
I've done pretty well today..I have resisted chocolate (not my official Give Up item) since you know, it's a day of fasting. I have now switched to the salty. Lay's chips (not low fat or baked) and French onion dip (also not made more healthy). It's one of my old flames, and I renewed my vows. Or something like that. I wasn't going to have lunch (so I grabbed some chips and dip. very bad.) Then I couldn't resist a couple in the car. (They didn't want to ride in the back with the other groceries, since they might get crushed.) Anyway...
I've decided to give up a couple things: one is telling you in far too much detail what I've done today (and every other day). For one, it is boring, and two, then I focus on how crazy busy I've been and feel even busier and more tired when I read it! For three, maybe I validate myself based on how much I've gotten done that day. (Maybe?) And I will try not to tell you everything. Only really funny things (like Ethan going into the toilet room in our bathroom, shutting the door, standing on the toilet and emptying the basket of all the cotton balls onto the floor/toilet/trashcan/rug) or make me mad things-like Clay walked on my favorite (cause they don't give me a headache from being too tight) sunglasses that I wear all day everyday (even in the dark) as a headband. I am also going to really work on eating healthier for lunch (since I hate lunch and like to skip it), and actually eating it. It'd be better for Ethan anyway.
I worked on the stick cross/wreath/door hanging. I will post a pix, but it's not exactly how I pictured it in my head. But, it'll work for now. It is a way to use all the damage that's still laying on my front yard (maybe one day they'll come pick it up...). I'll post it to the side since when I add a pix in the text, it seems to go to the top. Haven't got that one quite figured out.
I'd like to request prayers. One of our girl scout leaders has lost her son in an accident. Please just pray for their family and peace for each of them. If you have extra time in your day, always remember there's time for a quick prayer. I don't know her son, but just receiving the notice was alarming enough. I just cried. We just don't know each day that we might be living the last. It might be our child's last. I will certainly speak softer and listen closer.
Hug your kiddies tonight and thank God for the messy rooms, shoes everywhere, and cotton ball snow. I promise to be more thankful.
