Thursday, December 31, 2009

Saying Good Bye, 2009

Maybe a quick post?
How do you prepare to say goodbye when you know it's coming? We found out for sure on Tuesday (well, maybe Sunday with those pale positive tests) that we were pregnant again when I had blood work done. I was so very nervous to get excited again, so I held off. How do you insulate yourself from excitement? Fear will do it. I could say it was wise, as today we found out it is failing. My hcg is dropping, so it's only a matter of time. It's hard, to say the least. I don't want to stop my progesterone, but that won't really save anything, just prolong it. I can't figure out how to prepare myself, knowing it's coming.
How do you say goodbye to a sweet baby that's never really made it into the world? How do you ask those who've gone before you? You don't. It's too hard. I've learned that there are some paths you walk alone. And here I go.
There is so much to think about even as I go forward. Will we go this route again? I'd said I couldn't do this again. And I'm getting ready to do it again.
I have tons of questions, and I have an appointment to let my doctor field my millions of questions in two weeks. Hope he scheduled me enough time. Really.
Ches has done his best to distract me, bless his heart. He is precious, and indulgent. He got me a new van (and we thought we were preparing for another child..), then he surprised me with a new computer (a serious surprise!), and he just keeps trying to help me. He is going through it too, but I wear my feelings on my sleeve, and he is a man. He does it so much better than me! He asked me if I needed to go to Branson or go shopping. Bless his heart. Not like I have the energy or desire. I just want to stay in bed and sleep till it's over.
It's so amazing how much your perspective can change your attitude. It's wrong, but many of us do it.
I'm so thankful for what I have, and don't want to cheapen it by sounding like I take it for granted. I'm so blessed and so very thankful. I just set up in my mind this expectation (first mistake) that we could have more kids when we decided (second mistake-it's not all about me). I truly did take my fertility for granted. I'm still young, so why would I have a problem? Ugh. No one can answer my questions, and I doubt the doctor can either. It's a God thing. I am fully aware that He has a plan, and I just don't know what it entails. It shall come. I do know that if I get pregnant again (big question mark here right now), I will always second guess it, wonder constantly how long it'll last, and will have trouble enjoying it. I just will. You really take it for granted if you've never had a problem.

Ok, gotta move on. It was going to be short. Just lots of weight as I move to the new year. What will next year hold? My goals include cutting my stress, cleaning up even more. Maybe even streamlining my decor to make it more simple? (is making dusting easier a goal?), maybe calming down my colors (hahahahaha), I'll keep myself busy, don't worry.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Not Enough Time!

I can only say I'm thankful we are halfway through the week, and I'm still making it. It was Dead Day on campus today (meetings and a party), so Ches will be home for Christmas soon. I can't wait-I'm so tired!
It's always busy, but this week is yuck. Monday night we made dinner for some friends, and as soon as the kids got out of school, we drove it to them. They loved it, and all wanted to live there! (in the country!) We saw a knobby tree, creek, and it was just so peaceful. : ) Then we headed back to town, stopped at Sonic for dinner (lotsa fun), and then everyone had to go to the bathroom in their back bathroom (more fun!). Next we took Ethan to the doctor (yes, Ches was in class or we'd have split up the kids!). He had a 102 degree fever, and had had icky poop since last Wednesday. It was determined he had an ear infection and a virus. We got our meds and on to the next errand (yes, I'm crazy). We went to Target to get some canned food (Campbell's was on sale!) and a movie (as we'd already been on the road for 3 hours at that point-what troopers!)-they picked School House Rock! Then to a local teacher store to get Clay's teacher some unifix cubes (they had a food drive-20% off your purchase with cans-hence the Target trip).
After that, we headed home finally. We were on the bypass with Ethan screaming about his eyes hurting, so I turned the video off. I thought maybe the bright light and being tired was hurting him. Maybe a bad choice, in retrospect? At our exit, he promptly threw up! I still don't know if it was more virus, new virus?, or car sickness, or Sonic? The kids started screaming it stunk. I pulled over, cracked the windows, and helped him through it. We got back on the road, and made it home. I had never been so thankful to pull in my driveway!
The kids were good, and started getting jammies on, snacks, and brushing their teeth, as I was cleaning up Ethan and getting him to bed.
I stayed up, cleaned off his clothes and the car seat cover, then ran them through the wash, then washed their coats (extra energy?). He got up a couple times, but never threw up again.
The next day, he woke up at 5:15, and our days started too early!! We took it slow-I was afraid to give him too much to eat. He did fine until around 4:30 or 5. His fever was up to 104.5, so I called the doctor again, and gave him Tylenol. He'd already had two doses of antibiotics (cleverly disguised in some cream soda), so why the spike? They suggested we come in and transferred me to appointments. Their first available was at 8:20! PM!
We took it, and then had to get on with our evening. Mary Claire had gymnastics from 4:30 to five, then we missed church (it was a holy day), and got Clay to his play at 6:15.
I took Ethan to the doctor while everyone else was tucked into bed. He got a flu test first (lovely swab up his nose), and waited 15 minutes for a negative result. Next he got a Rocephin antibiotic shot, and we waited another 15 minutes for a reaction. We didn't leave there until 10:06!
And it seems Ethan was quite the entertainment for the evening. He kept yelling, "No Thank You, No Thank You!" when she came to give him a shot. Then, "Booboo Hurts!" if I quit rubbing it. The nurses just thought he was so cute. I guess it was so late, they were getting delirious. We were the last people to leave! Then when I got preoccupied on the way home telling Ches about our visit, Ethan would yell out, "Ma-mop!?" and I'd ask what? "Booboo Hurts!"
So this morning, it was back for a chest xray, and it was negative. It appears to just be wheezing (inhaler 4x a day), and some mucus. . .
Ok, I have to finish another day. I have started three times, and it just isn't happening this week!