Are you there, God? It's me, Holly

Sick.  I've been coming down with something-and It's here.  Ick.  I went to church, but I wanted to come home-then they went out to lunch without me.  I was totally fine with it, I just wanted to go to sleep.  I think all the staying up till midnight last week working on Mary Claire's notebooks for the nurse/teacher, labeling snacks, updating charts for the notebooks, etc. wore me out!

I remember I was sick this time last year-about the first time I miscarried.  That day is coming-as is September-the month the twins would've been here.  It might be a rough month.  Ches just brought it up Friday night when we were out.  I guess I'm trying to stay positive, since we are still in the process.  I have to call the doctor in Little Rock on Monday to schedule my HSG (hysterosalpingogram)-I'm guessing it'll be the end of the week, maybe next week?  I found a Youtube video on it-not so thrilling.  It checks for problems, but can actually cause some problems.  I guess it can't get worse, so I'll go ahead.  This will be the last of the tests, as now I think I've had them all!  There is still chromosomal testing, but I don't think we'll have them-we've had three healthy babies-in a row!-and it won't help much unless we'd do in-vitro, and we don't plan to go that far.

We're just trusting God to provide us information and lead our family.  He has a great plan-and we can't wait to live it.  If it is just enjoying the family we have now-we can appreciate what we have and live each day to the fullest.  If it includes a bigger family, we'd love that too.  We always say we have faith, but until it's tested with some No's or obstacles, we never know how strong we really are.  It's easy to be a great Christian when it all goes well, it's harder when we don't get our way.  I still believe there's a reason for everything-I've seen it play out too many times to doubt it.

I have a friend that says she's walking 'through the desert', when she doesn't hear God.  I love her, and respect her faith, and I know exactly what she means!  I still hear God, but there are long dry spells, and God just wants me to pull closer, to listen more carefully-He's getting ready to say something phenomenal!  I remember teaching-and if I wanted the class to get quiet, I'd whisper.  They'd hear something, and get really quiet!  Then I'd whisper the instructions, and they'd all start whispering-it was great.  God does the same thing-He isn't going to yell over the world's chaos-He'll wait till we hear the whispering-then we get quiet and listen.
I'm listening, God!  What's that phenomenal thing You wanted to tell me?  I'm preparing my heart to listen.

Another Doctor

Ahh..doctors.  Saw a new one today: Michael Miller in Little Rock.  I have to say, he was pretty good.  He was late very thoughtful, and continued to think about my case as he left the room-he came back to tell me one more thing it could be-my c-section with Ethan (scar tissue from it, more exactly).

So we got there a teensy bit early (you know me, I cut it pretty close!).  It was quite a drive, and I had to talk candy with an Exxon attendant (Tiger Something-that was hours ago!).  They had the old Nerds boxes-the old pictures I remember from childhood!  And they had these things that looked like frosted sugared graham crackers-in flavors (and I can’t for the life of me remember the name), and of course almost all the M&M’s (except coconut! And my box of 24 from Sam’s is all gone!).  Anyway, I tried to avoid the candy aisle-I went down the chip aisle, looked for yogurt (none), then tried the surrounding aisles (all three of them), and nothing. The guy asked if he could help me, but I could have been helped with any of those luscious brown treats.  I  got some pretzel M&M’s and talked candy with the attendant till there was a line behind me.  Time to go!

So, anyway, we made it fine to the doctor’s office, gave them a copy of our marriage license (they require it!), then sat for almost an hour.  At 40 minutes, I asked Ches if I should go complain, but he said to wait for five more minutes.  I got all involved in an old People magazine in an Elizabeth Edwards story, so I forgot all about the doctor!  I even carried it back to the little room when they finally called my name. : ) (and yes, I got to finish it and read an old Southern Living I never had time for at home!)

So, then an intern came in to get my history (that I filled out on the computer last week, and wrote out and brought with me..) (I’m sure she was filling time), and she was very sweet.  She did help me relax and fill time. : )

Finally, we met the doctor! He was very nice, and listened to me talk, to suggestions, and gave his thoughts.  It was refreshing, and he was very knowledgeable.  I appreciated his candidness.  There may be nothing wrong with me, but he’s looking into stuff.  He had me give more blood-this time for TSH, T4 (thyroid hormones), prolactin (which I’ve never had checked), and I can’t remember what else…I think antinuclear antibodies too.

Then we did an ultrasound.  He checked my uterus (but will check it better with a hysterosalpingogram, next month if I’m not pregnant-he wanted to be careful, just in case) and my ovaries.  He could tell I’d ovulated on my left side.  The cysts were pretty big, so I had one or two eggs release-It’s hard to tell.  One was bigger than the other, so it probably released an egg, but the other was enlarged, so maybe it just got ready.

I am to take progesterone starting today and for 16 days.  If I’m not pregnant, I go back for the xray test (uterus-to look for scar tissue), and Ches and I both take antibiotics, then I start Clomid, then we start again.  I haven’t taken it before, so I don’t know much about it.

If I am pregnant, I don’t know what happens next.  He didn’t go into that.  He seemed to understand that a positive pregnancy test wasn’t the happy thing that other people experience.  For me, it’s just a step (sadly).  I liked that he got me.  We’ll keep praying!