Monday, April 19, 2010

Hope for Things Unseen

Well, I must say I've had a much better day today.  I think it was everything together, mixed with a better attitude.  I didn't sleep well last night-I was up from 3 till after 5am, just thinking.  Lots of stuff running through my head!  I have had bad dreams for the last couple of nights (so I took a Xanax just a few minutes ago-I need some sleep tonight!), and I was feeling bad for getting on to Mary Claire yesterday morning.
When I got the kids up, I apologized to Mary Claire.  She's so sweet and loving; I don't even know how I can get mad at her.  I mean, she is messy, but she is sooo sweet.  She just hugs on me and loves me, and tells me how much she loves her family, and that she doesn't want any other family (yeah-even after me getting onto her yesterday!).  What a precious child of God.  It's definitely His influence, and not my crazy one!
We got around pretty well this morning, I got the beds made, and we weren't late-we did have a time with a heel booboo, and a bandaid, and a new shoe...
I finally got Ethan's school registration forms (9!) filled out, and took them to the church this morning.  He was excited, and wanted to go to the nursery!  I'm excited for him.  I think he'll love it-and he needs the challenge.  He's very smart, but needs a good schedule and some work.  I just love on him since he's the baby, and I think he's already smart.  But..he needs to be writing his name, and following directions.  He'll do well.  It will help me to have a couple days a week (well-three!) to run errands and do stuff at home.  I can't imagine having three kids at school, and having time to myself.  It seems like Ethan's been here since Clay and Mary Claire went to school, so it'll be like having free time or something!
I think God has plans for me.  I feel like I have hope today.  Maybe I'm supposed to have a little free time first.  I don't know, but I'm going with it.  I have finished my three books, and I have a plan.  I think we'll be okay next time, and if not, we'll go to Plan B.  I read about this "Power of Love" study in my most recent book, Avoiding Miscarriage.  It's about these two different studies (one in Norway, one in New Zealand) where the all the women have already had three previous, consecutive miscarriages.  The control group of women get the same care they've always received, and the experimental group received more support and care (including increased medical care, psychological support including weekly medical exams and counseling).  The control groups in each study had a 33% success rate (ending with a live baby) and the experimental groups in each study had an 86% success rate-Amazing results!  They aren't sure why.. maybe it has a beneficial effect on hormones or maybe it bolsters immune response.  But, I'll be making sure I have my support system in place (including some more exercise, a counselor, a maternal-fetal specialist, and seeing my doctor so much he has to shoo me away!).
Since I finished my three books, I need my next goal/project to keep me busy.  I have to sort out something to do with the office.  We will move some furniture in there to use it for tv or maybe set up the kids a desk, since we have a couple extra computers not getting used right now.  I want to monitor the kids, but they'd enjoy some computer time.  I never let them get online, but I know they like to watch videos and play games.  I figure they get time at school, and I get so nervous for their safety!
Anyway, my next project may be the hearth room.  I think I'm going to paint it.  It's a greenish-gray color, and I think I'd like to go bluish-grayish.  I know, clear as mud.  It's just not very cheerful, and I want new slipcovers for my furniture.  I bought furniture with red slipcovers a few years ago with the intention of buying more colors of slipcovers, but never have!  I think it's time.  Maybe white or cream.  I have the swatches, but never made a decision.  The store has cream on right now, and I like them-maybe since I can't decide between all the creams and ivories, I'll go with what they picked!  (All the floral pillows they have right now are pretty too!)
Ok, if you still wanted to know, although it's old news..  My doctor visit went pretty well on Friday.  It was my follow-up after my d&c.  I was still bleeding (really gross on its own, even grosser when you have to sit, half-naked on the paper sheet-thing, and get examined).  Embarrassing?  Yep.  Especially when you tell the doctor you are still bleeding, and he tells you, "but it's getting darker, that's good!" (and he knows because he's seen it.  Ick.) Anyway..he did not have the babies tested.  He said there was no way for the lab to tell the tissue apart/to tell one baby from the other to analyze each one.  So they did nothing.  I was pretty disappointed about that.
Then I got to ask my questions.  I had about 20, really.  I wanted to know all about my labwork from January (what I was tested for, and how each one came out), my labwork from the week (week 11) before the bad ultrasound, and whether they ran a progesterone test (no).  The labwork from the week of (week 12), and progesterone (no), antiphospholipid antibodies (no), etc.  Some tests were run in January (like the antinuclear antibodies (negative!), but others weren't run (Factor V Leiden).  I'll get more testing done when I see the specialist.  My doctor wants to wait till I see the specialist, so we don't have to rerun tests-he'll get the lab results, and I'll see my regular ob on May 18 to follow up.
He gave me some Methyline (8 pills: one every 6 hours) to help clot the bleeding to finish it off.  It worked while I was taking them, but now I'm back to bleeding...  Maybe it'll end soon?  He said it could last 6 weeks, until I start a regular period.  I asked how I'd know it was a period since it's all blood from here to there?!  He didn't think it was so funny.
All in all, I didn't get a ton of answers.  I do think he's doing what he can.  I asked if I'd had heparin if my placenta would've made the transition better if I was clotting, and he said we did the best we could with the information we had at the time.  I know he doesn't want that responsibility (none of us do), so I understand.  I just wonder...
Now, I paint, and make lists, and wait for the next doctor's appointment, and pray for his wisdom.  I pray that God guides his hands and mind, prepares us for what he has to say, and that he puts us on the right path.  We still pray for a healthy child for our family.  We just don't feel finished.  I remember praying last spring and summer for God's guidance and will for our family.  I wanted to know if we should have another child.  Now, I got what I wanted-I feel like we are absolutely supposed to have another.  I also prayed in December and January if we weren't supposed to have more kids to take this desire away from me.  It's still here.  So..we continue until we are content that it's over.  It's weird how sometimes our hearts know things that our minds don't (and vice-versa..).
So, today I have hope for things unseen.  I guess that's faith.
For we walk by faith, not by sight.  2 Corinthians 5:7

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