Hope

I'm trying to think of anything to write about today-the weather, my new pink shirt, hope that we'll see sunshine, but all that keeps coming to mind is the date.  Today marks one year since I had the twins taken out of me after their hearts stopped.  I have done so well moving on in my life, and I continue to put one foot in front of another for the kids I have here.  I haven't lost hope, but for today, I can only remember what was a year ago.

The awful heart-wrenching ultrasound that came on the Monday (March 29th) that took my breath and life away.  The day of denial, March 30th.  The second, in-your-face-it's-real ultrasound and scheduling of "management".  And the day of the d&c, April first.  The very unreal April Fool's Day.

I came away changed physically and emotionally, and with new respect for the close friends and family around me who knew how to say the right things-which were sometimes nothing but hugs and patience.  So today, just let me be me.  Tomorrow will be a new day, and I will have made it through a year.


I still hope for the best-God's in the habit of giving it.

Remember, your Father knows exactly what you need before you ask Him.  Matthew 6:8

Sparkly and Self-Confident

Hey ya'll!  Let's just look at pictures. ; )

I am having trouble getting caught up this week.  (Do you ever feel behind in your life?) (maybe it's all the pictures I like to take? heehee)  Sometimes trying to get it all done means I don’t get to sleep until after midnight most nights.  This morning, Clay had a doctor’s appointment in Fayetteville, so I checked him out of school.  I have been working on getting an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to have Mary Claire’s third and (hopefully) final set of xrays!  We are going at 3:10, which means I’ll have to check her out of school, so I’m working on logistics now.  I hate to get Ethan and Clay out early too!

Can you see the rhinestones on her sling? : )  (and the button on her jacket?  They don't make you take anything off for the xray!)

(ps-we went, and her arm is better!  She can stop wearing her sling-my girl is thrilled to say bye-bye to it.  You can see a more opaque area where it's still healing, but it seems to be fine.  No heavy pressure on it, but she can go back to dance now!)  And yes, I had to get all three out of school early to make it.  We'll live.

..and when I uploaded the xray picture...Guess what I found?  More pictures on my phone! : )

In line at the car wash on Monday...this precious boy got too many kisses at school! ; )

They posed with Rango : )  He's the new sheriff in town (March 4th)! heehee

..and with Gnomeo and Juliet, of course.  (that's Benny upside down!)

I found more pictures from my Branson trip too. : )  Here’s why I like Justice (girls' clothes), and don’t fight its older-girl clothes anymore.  They are supportive of girls (my girl) and their individuality:

Just Be Yourself

Love Who You Are

Love One Another (and check out that pretty flower!)

This is the one I got her: Hope, Dream, Inspire (and we're hopin' for a CURE!)

I like it when companies help me do my job-especially encouraging my daughter to be herself.  Sometimes our role as Mom involves more than birth, love, and potty-training.  It is so much more.  We feed and nourish them (and our goal is healthy food), clothe them (with thoughtful *clean* matching clothes), kiss their boo-boos (and find them specialized medical care when kisses aren’t enough), coordinate their social lives (and lessons, practices, meetings), teach them to love reading, prepare them for math, science, and manners (and social I’m sorrys), oh gosh, I could go on and on. . . (the driving to all the events, help with homework right before bed, volunteering to benefit the school and great teachers, laundry for those sweet clothes, grocery shopping to keep healthy snacks in stock, building their self-confidence so they can go out into the world alone, long-term planning for their futures, and I really could go on. .) Ahh..

Think of something that would make your life better.

Now go do it (or find it!), and I’ll be here when you get back. : )

Hope for Things Unseen

Well, I must say I've had a much better day today.  I think it was everything together, mixed with a better attitude.  I didn't sleep well last night-I was up from 3 till after 5am, just thinking.  Lots of stuff running through my head!  I have had bad dreams for the last couple of nights (so I took a Xanax just a few minutes ago-I need some sleep tonight!), and I was feeling bad for getting on to Mary Claire yesterday morning.
When I got the kids up, I apologized to Mary Claire.  She's so sweet and loving; I don't even know how I can get mad at her.  I mean, she is messy, but she is sooo sweet.  She just hugs on me and loves me, and tells me how much she loves her family, and that she doesn't want any other family (yeah-even after me getting onto her yesterday!).  What a precious child of God.  It's definitely His influence, and not my crazy one!
We got around pretty well this morning, I got the beds made, and we weren't late-we did have a time with a heel booboo, and a bandaid, and a new shoe...
I finally got Ethan's school registration forms (9!) filled out, and took them to the church this morning.  He was excited, and wanted to go to the nursery!  I'm excited for him.  I think he'll love it-and he needs the challenge.  He's very smart, but needs a good schedule and some work.  I just love on him since he's the baby, and I think he's already smart.  But..he needs to be writing his name, and following directions.  He'll do well.  It will help me to have a couple days a week (well-three!) to run errands and do stuff at home.  I can't imagine having three kids at school, and having time to myself.  It seems like Ethan's been here since Clay and Mary Claire went to school, so it'll be like having free time or something!
I think God has plans for me.  I feel like I have hope today.  Maybe I'm supposed to have a little free time first.  I don't know, but I'm going with it.  I have finished my three books, and I have a plan.  I think we'll be okay next time, and if not, we'll go to Plan B.  I read about this "Power of Love" study in my most recent book, Avoiding Miscarriage.  It's about these two different studies (one in Norway, one in New Zealand) where the all the women have already had three previous, consecutive miscarriages.  The control group of women get the same care they've always received, and the experimental group received more support and care (including increased medical care, psychological support including weekly medical exams and counseling).  The control groups in each study had a 33% success rate (ending with a live baby) and the experimental groups in each study had an 86% success rate-Amazing results!  They aren't sure why.. maybe it has a beneficial effect on hormones or maybe it bolsters immune response.  But, I'll be making sure I have my support system in place (including some more exercise, a counselor, a maternal-fetal specialist, and seeing my doctor so much he has to shoo me away!).
Since I finished my three books, I need my next goal/project to keep me busy.  I have to sort out something to do with the office.  We will move some furniture in there to use it for tv or maybe set up the kids a desk, since we have a couple extra computers not getting used right now.  I want to monitor the kids, but they'd enjoy some computer time.  I never let them get online, but I know they like to watch videos and play games.  I figure they get time at school, and I get so nervous for their safety!
Anyway, my next project may be the hearth room.  I think I'm going to paint it.  It's a greenish-gray color, and I think I'd like to go bluish-grayish.  I know, clear as mud.  It's just not very cheerful, and I want new slipcovers for my furniture.  I bought furniture with red slipcovers a few years ago with the intention of buying more colors of slipcovers, but never have!  I think it's time.  Maybe white or cream.  I have the swatches, but never made a decision.  The store has cream on right now, and I like them-maybe since I can't decide between all the creams and ivories, I'll go with what they picked!  (All the floral pillows they have right now are pretty too!)
Ok, if you still wanted to know, although it's old news..  My doctor visit went pretty well on Friday.  It was my follow-up after my d&c.  I was still bleeding (really gross on its own, even grosser when you have to sit, half-naked on the paper sheet-thing, and get examined).  Embarrassing?  Yep.  Especially when you tell the doctor you are still bleeding, and he tells you, "but it's getting darker, that's good!" (and he knows because he's seen it.  Ick.) Anyway..he did not have the babies tested.  He said there was no way for the lab to tell the tissue apart/to tell one baby from the other to analyze each one.  So they did nothing.  I was pretty disappointed about that.
Then I got to ask my questions.  I had about 20, really.  I wanted to know all about my labwork from January (what I was tested for, and how each one came out), my labwork from the week (week 11) before the bad ultrasound, and whether they ran a progesterone test (no).  The labwork from the week of (week 12), and progesterone (no), antiphospholipid antibodies (no), etc.  Some tests were run in January (like the antinuclear antibodies (negative!), but others weren't run (Factor V Leiden).  I'll get more testing done when I see the specialist.  My doctor wants to wait till I see the specialist, so we don't have to rerun tests-he'll get the lab results, and I'll see my regular ob on May 18 to follow up.
He gave me some Methyline (8 pills: one every 6 hours) to help clot the bleeding to finish it off.  It worked while I was taking them, but now I'm back to bleeding...  Maybe it'll end soon?  He said it could last 6 weeks, until I start a regular period.  I asked how I'd know it was a period since it's all blood from here to there?!  He didn't think it was so funny.
All in all, I didn't get a ton of answers.  I do think he's doing what he can.  I asked if I'd had heparin if my placenta would've made the transition better if I was clotting, and he said we did the best we could with the information we had at the time.  I know he doesn't want that responsibility (none of us do), so I understand.  I just wonder...
Now, I paint, and make lists, and wait for the next doctor's appointment, and pray for his wisdom.  I pray that God guides his hands and mind, prepares us for what he has to say, and that he puts us on the right path.  We still pray for a healthy child for our family.  We just don't feel finished.  I remember praying last spring and summer for God's guidance and will for our family.  I wanted to know if we should have another child.  Now, I got what I wanted-I feel like we are absolutely supposed to have another.  I also prayed in December and January if we weren't supposed to have more kids to take this desire away from me.  It's still here.  So..we continue until we are content that it's over.  It's weird how sometimes our hearts know things that our minds don't (and vice-versa..).
So, today I have hope for things unseen.  I guess that's faith.

For we walk by faith, not by sight.  2 Corinthians 5:7