Saturday, August 29, 2009

Loss for Words

Don't really know where to start. Yesterday was the worst. In my Baby History, I think.

I lost the baby. There's no way to mince words here. It sucks, and I'm sad, and crampy, and tired, and haven't had time to rest. That's partially my fault as I'm looking to busy myself and use the avoidance technique. Clay had a soccer game this morning, and I had to get his uniform washed and dried, and Mary Claire has a birthday party this afternoon, and needed a gift, her bath, and wanted her special "cake" clothes since it's a Cake Party. It's another day in the life of my family, and I can't stop to mourn when I have three very alive children at my house.

The first sadness was all the blood/clots in the toilet. It's just seems morally wrong to flush it. I had a very hard time letting it all go. I mean, doesn't it deserve more respect than flushing?

I had blood work and an ultrasound done on Friday, and it took half the day. It wiped me out emotionally. The next ickiness was that I had to sit in the waiting room with all the pregnant
(but yes, nice) women and their mothers/husbands as they waited for their ultrasounds. The only books I picked up were Mommy books and magazines. Didn't need that. And then, there was the Lab. Getting blood drawn next to a sweet mom getting her glucose test (about 24 weeks, I think?) done. I was hyperventilating (or just breathing really hard) and trying to pull myself together to go back out in the big waiting room to await the next step. Not only did they have to do an ultrasound, but they had to do a transvaginal ultrasound, since I wasn't very far along. Yes, in that spot where the baby was passing. That was maybe the fourth? wrong thing of the day. Just a rough day.

My doctor was very sweet and sympathetic, which I needed. He requested that I come back on Monday and do the lab and check again. The labwork takes four hours so I have to drive down twice. : (

I am sad, but I understand it just wasn't right. The conditions, the baby, something. God knows what He has planned, and I can respect that. Really. Maybe the timing was off, I don't know. I'm glad I had the opportunity to be pregnant again, it's exciting. Just the happiness you get to carry around with you. That you know, even when other people don't (and can't "see" it yet). I had thought it'd be our last. I don't know if that's still true or not. I thought my life was working out as planned, and now my plans are bust. There's something relaxing about not having a plan (and a little out of control). My job today is to usher my family through today, and into tomorrow. We'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here. May God bless us on our journey, and may we trust in His plan.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under Heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

If you're my friend, I love you. I don't not want to talk to you, but it's hard to relive with each person. It just makes me tired, and I don't have the strength. It pulls all my emotional strings. Just pray for us. Pray for the family I have on Earth, and the little one who got to go back to Heaven early. May we too get to see His face one day.


Mom said...

My prayers are for you. You have the courage to say what you want. May the Lord give you comfort in His word.

"My arms long to hold these babies. My heart longs for them." As King David said of his baby who had gone on, "They cannot come to me, but I shall go to them." 2nd Samuel 12:23

The Ware's said...

I am at a loss for words Holly.. just know I'm thinking of you... your family... when you are ready and want to talk or whatever - I am here for you.. what ever you need.. my prayers are with you.

Holly said...

Thank you. Prayers work. : ) We'll talk later in the week. : )

Holly said...

Mom. Good scripture. The baby that preceded Solomon. And she was pregnant immediately, I guess? As the story goes. There's just not enough there. Was she ready, how was Bathsheba? Consoled and pregnant, apparently.