Decisions, decisions..

Well, good news, I think.  I heard from Dr. McGann's nurse (remember Mean Doctor?), and my bloodwork (all of it) came back normal.  So..that just means that it's me/my eggs?  I can't decide whether it's good or bad.  If there was something wrong, I could fix it.  As it is, we just have to try-and see what happens.  Feels so out-of-control.  I know-it's all about surrendering control.  I'm not so good at that!
I'm exhausted.  Genevieve likes to get up at 5:45am.  I get lots done-I weeded the front flower beds this morning, started laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, made Ethan's lunch-very productive, but it makes for a LONG day!  I'm in bed already-and it's 8:45!  I don't know if I'll sleep soon, since Ethan is throwing a fit.  He wants his daddy since I told him to go to bed (for the fourth time), he didn't have a nap today, and is cranky!  Mary Claire came down to tattle on him for coming in her room, then when I got up there, he tattled that she was playing DSi!  What are siblings for?  Ahh, the love.
We looked at a house this weekend, and I really liked it.  The last thing I need is to move (and sell this house!), but I liked it.  It was open, but not like this one.  It was a little smaller, which I kinda liked.  It's no fun to clean houses, and no one can clean it to make me happy, so maybe I need less.  The yard was smaller, which could be a good thing-we have almost an acre-and we've landscaped the heck out of it!  There's so much upkeep.  And then there's the pool..which I'd totally do again, so I can't complain!  I guess this latest thing with my rude neighbor has me thinking.  There are lots of them that aren't so nice-since I came after them I guess?-and I don't like it.  I've only been here 5 years in August, and that's so new.  Ha.  It's just not what I thought it'd be.  I do like my house, but there are things I'd change.  Man, I wish I'd been blogging back then-there'd have been SO much to tell!  I'll just let it slide now. : )  Decisions, decisions.
Oh!  I got one more bill-the anesthesiologist!  I think it was 400-something.  I'll have to tally them all up, just for fun.  I just can't believe it!  And can you imagine-we still have my labwork (apparently 11 tests!) from Little Rock, and Ches' hospital bill-can't wait for that one!  Even with Mary Claire's diabetes we haven't been able to claim our medical expenses for the past 3 years.  Maybe we'll make it this year?!  Not that that is something to get excited about.. but it's the little things.
Mean Doctor said I'd have decisions to make if my blood work was normal, so here goes.  When to try again?  (Obviously Ches has to be better!)  If it goes well, when can I relax and trust that it'll make it?  When can I share the news?  If it doesn't go well, then what?  I can't keep doing this, and some days I think I could quit now.  I think it's partially the medicine since it dulls my feelings (good, but bad).  It seems surreal that I was ever pregnant, so thinking about being pregnant is weird. (I know-just that is weird.)  So, my only plan is to just see what happens.
I keep thinking God will decide for us, and maybe He is.  I like those really clear-cut answers, and this just isn't one of them.  Life just seems so valuable, so I have to believe it's His desire for us to welcome life.  It just may not be the right time.  or for us.
Today I'm thankful that I wasn't more attached to the babies, or that I hadn't prepared even more (clothes and room ready).  I'm thankful for my sweet friends-especially the ones with time to talk! heehee  I'm thankful for my mom that listens to me ramble late at night.  I'm thankful for my kids that give sweet hugs and run to see me when they get home.  I'm thankful for a sleeping dog that didn't make a sound tonight in her pet taxi during all the bedtime crying, running in and out, etc.  She's a good sleeper!  Thank you, God, for the blessings you've given us, and for those that you don't allow-I know it's for good reason.
 

Those We Mother

Sorry I'm so slow to update.  You know it's been crazy-hospital, my Little Rock doctor's appointment, and now we are trying to get back into the groove (not that I ever had one!).  Clay's had three baseball games, and his friend's precious parents have taken and picked him up for every one!  I'm so thankful.
I haven't left Ches with the kids.  Well, I did leave them to nap for a little bit yesterday afternoon to run to get some groceries.  He's just tired.  I can say I've learned during all this.  I adore my kids even more.  I missed them while we were at the hospital.  And it tore my heart out to leave Ethan on the driveway screaming for me as I drove away.  I've tried to keep him with me lately.  We ran errands yesterday-and he was good!  Just happy to be with me-precious!
I read Oprah's tenth anniversary issue while he was in the hospital, and it was good.  I don't have a subscription (since I have too many, and no where to store all these magazines!), but I bought this one.  You know my new XM addiction? Well, they are talking about the latest issue all the time, so I broke down and bought it-totally worth the $4.95!
I've learned to let some things go.  That I won't regret 15 minutes of game-playing with my kids.  That I can leave my kitchen un-perfect to spend time outside riding bikes.  That I should be aware of what I'm doing every minute, and enjoy it.  Like appreciating that I'm talking to a friend, enjoying the taste of food I'm eating, listening to my kids like they are the only ones in the world, being mindful as I walk-for the sounds, thankful for my feet, etc.  There's so much more, but I'm thankful for what I have, even when it's hospital.  The nurses were soo sweet-we had a very good experience.

I have also learned it can cost more to have a d&c than a live birth.  No kidding.  I have started getting my bills.  For the hospital, it was $8585. (yes, I called to make sure there wasn't a typo or a misprint-I thought they confused the decimal point!)  They are sending me an itemized bill.  My doctor's office bill was 800-something.  I just had no idea!

 

Ok, it's taken me almost three days just to write this post! We now have more exciting things going on!  We got a puppy on Friday morning, so that's my last time-occupier.
She's so precious!  I just think she's perfect for us.  Her name is Genevieve-our friend's daughter named her, and it fits her!  She's a ball of happy, with a side of attitude.  When my friend, Carol was telling me about her, I didn't get it.  I do now!  She wants to play all the time, and if you don't let her chew your hand (or your jeans, or shirt..) she'll bark at you!  When we first put her in the crate (pet taxi), she whined, barked, and generally complained. My dog training book came in handy!  We taught her to "shush!", and then "good shush" when she complied.  Last night, we'd worn her out, so we never heard a word out of her at bedtime!  She didn't make a peep till 6:40 this morning-so much better than the 2am-3:30am Friday night and the 5:45 wake-up on Saturday.  She just couldn't wait to start having fun!

Seriously, she's been really good.  She's had a couple accidents inside, but every time we take her out to go to the bathroom, she goes!  We are using the book (and giving her a piece of her food after she goes), so Yay, Us! (oh, and her too! heehee)
Alrighty, if I don't stop now, I'll never get this out.  I'm so slow lately!
If you have children, or want them, or watch them, help raise some, or even have brought up a sweet puppy, or mother another-Happy Mother's Day to you!  May God bless you for the time you spend to help raise up our next generation.  They'll be as good as we allow them to be.

My car is tired.

Ok, I will say that I learn something every day.  It may not be good lessons, but I learn.
I learned that not all doctors are nice (yeah, BiG news), and some lab techs are nice, even though they poke holes in you.
I dropped the kids at school, dropped Ethan at Mom's, and went by to see Ches at the hospital.  He was a little better since he got some sleep last night.  Then, I got on the road headed south.  I had my maternal-fetal specialist appointment today in Little Rock.
It just wasn't good from the beginning.  (When you have a feeling...listen to it!!)  I was already concerned about going while Ches was still in the hospital, but I got this "chasing the holy grail" feeling.  So, I went.  When I got there, they couldn't find my paperwork (strike 1).  I had to fill it all out again (mucho exasperation-o!).  I got upset (and I haven't really cried in a long time, but tears came-I'm sure it was everything added together).  Then, after an hour and a half of waiting, I went back to a little room, and waited some more, then a doctor came in.  Yes, A doctor.  Not MY doctor (strike 2), with whom I had an appointment!  I was not excited to meet a stranger, when I'd pinned all these hopes on the nice doctor Dr. Gorman told me all about.  I mean, they should have called me if Dr. Wendel wasn't going to be coming in!  Anyway, he was pretty short with me.  He basically discussed the miscarriages, my history, and told me all the usual things they test for were irrelevant since I'd already had three healthy children.  He said the only thing he could test for were thrombophilias.  I told him I'd already been tested for antiphospholipid antibodies, but he'll test again.  I asked about hormone deficiencies and my thyroid and parathyroid.  He got annoyed at me, and said parathyroid are only tested if you've had surgery or a disease recently, but he said he'd test for TSH and T4, thyroid.  Long story short, he told me that my eggs are getting older, and if it's not my thyroid or a thrombophilia (blood-clotting disorder), he couldn't do much to help me (strike 3).  And then he said, "Ok?"  I mean..what do you say to that?  He's supposed to be a stupid specialist!  (He's OUT!-think it's all Clay's baseball on my brain?)  I only wish I'd had the guts to tell someone how rude he was.
After all that's happening this spring, I just have to laugh.  I'm not crazy, but I mean Really.  Who does this stuff happen to?  It's so unreal.  I just have no energy to cry.  One of my friends told me today that God doesn't put more on you than you can handle (an old saying that people use to make you feel better), so I told her He must think I'm pretty amazing!
OK, back to the boring story..Then Rude Doctor handed me a lab work request and a long strip of stickers with my name on them.  I made my way to the fifth floor, and found the lab.  I went in, sat down, and got all teary again after reading all the tests on the sheet.  The lab tech was all nice, and asked what was wrong. I just told him the doctor I'd seen (that I'd never see again!) was RUDE!  He was nice, and got all the tubes for my blood (eleven!).  I got all worked up (you know my new tendency to have anxiety attacks), so he put me in the "recliner" to draw my blood in case I passed out (always a good sign-ha!).
He was drawing the blood, and after a couple minutes, I got all hyperventilate-y.  I got it together, but ugh.  I washed off most of my makeup in salty face-wash, then got in my car.
I did a GPS search for the nearest Chili's, in search of some Paradise Pie.  I know food does not solve problems, but it sure makes them easier to face!  Chocolate is my drug of choice, and once I got some, I already felt better.  I didn't even eat it all, but ahhhh..was it good!
So I drove back to Fayetteville, got some dinner at Panera (around 7pm), and went to the hospital.  I was super surprised to know Ches had been UP!  And when I got here, he wanted to go outside! (more shock! and happiness!)  The nurse unhooked him from the IV since he wasn't getting an antibiotic, and we walked down by the water (until we saw the rocks crawling in chiggers!! and we did not need more bites!!).  We walked back to the sitting area, and I ate outside.  It was so nice to see Ches' eyes open, and him walking around.  I think there's hope around the corner!  I needed some good news today, so that was enough to make my day.
He's hoping he can go home tomorrow, but we'll see.  His liver function came back abnormal again today, so that points to Ehrlichiosis.  They won't release him till they have a diagnosis.  He does seem to be responding to the antibiotic they're giving him though.  He's just sure the sleep helped him, and the headache is better controlled.
There's more, but I'll save more good news for tomorrow. : ) Keep praying, God answers prayers!

Ticked Him Off

Ok, so Ches isn't better.  He was admitted to the hospital today.  We thought he was on the upswing, but by Friday evening he went downhill.  The headache got worse, the aches were coming back, and the fever still hadn't broken (since Sunday) even with antibiotics since Wednesday.  So..we called the doctor this morning, and he said he couldn't evaluate him without seeing him first.  He said to come on in to the emergency room, and he's check things out.  They took 10 tubes of blood (which I didn't know was possible!), and have done xrays, lots of exams (we're at four now), and finally decided to keep him.  The doctor that diagnosed him said she wanted him to stay for a few days until this was under control (!), but his doctor said maybe till Monday-they'll take it day by day.
They can do the titer to determine exactly which tick-borne disease it is, but it costs $2000, and take five days to get back.  We thought they already did it, but now they tell us it was a different test.  So.  They just give the antibiotics, since it's faster, cheaper, and the same antibiotic is used to treat all three Rickettsial diseases (Ehrlichiosis, Tularemia, or Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever).  They think it's RMSF since his eyes were red/bloodshot and he had a rash in addition to the muscle aches, joint pain, headache, etc.  I guess the oral antibiotic just wasn't enough for his case.  Like other things in our life, sometimes you just don't get to know exactly what causes your problem.
..Well, if you remember, my specialist appointment is on Monday!  I am a little stressed.  I want Ches to be able to go, and we may even have to have genetic testing done.  I will call Monday to see if I can reschedule for later in the week.  I know they'll have to do some testing (maybe FSH on day 3, Progesterone on day 21 and 28), and we'll have to wait till my next cycle.  I just hate to wait too long!
I went to Joplin yesterday to play with Angie.  We analyzed the inside and outside, planned out landscaping, looked at furniture, played with all Andalynn's Fancy Nancy party stuff (she has bought all the CUTEST stuff!!-I'll have to post a picture of the invitations!), and I made her a Fancy Nancy hat.  I don't know why I didn't get a picture-I'll get one when I go back for her party next Saturday!  I put on this cute feathery bird Angie found at Michael's (wish we had one), BiG flowers, a butterfly, a bow, a feather, lots of gaudy stuff!  It was perfect!
Today while we were at the ER, Mary Claire learned to ride a bike with no training wheels!  It was a big day for her.  And I wasn't there to see it. : (  At least Mom was.  She started her on Clay's bike, then moved to her own bike (that's she's had for two years..).  She rode, and did it!  She rode around the street, driveway, and yard for about three and a half hours!  I was so proud of her I wanted to cry. : )  She's so sweet, and we've never pushed her.  Every year, we try to teach her, but she just hasn't been ready, and so we waited.  She had gotten so big (even by last summer), that I couldn't help her.  I couldn't hold her up!
Mom never even touched the bike, but just thinking Mom was holding onto her, Mary Claire was braver.  Mom is so convincing, that Mary Claire believed her, and pedaled like crazy!  Just precious.  Thank you, Mom, for teaching my baby to ride a bike!!  I'm so happy for her!!