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I've got a few minutes before I get the kids up for school. Yesterday was the most horrible day yet. I think it was everything together. April fifth is when we would have had the first baby (from July), and my hormones were (are) crashing, I woke up at 6 am (my new inner alarm clock-hasn't failed yet) after an awful dream, we had a rough morning with the kids, I woke with a headache (that didn't leave me till I fell asleep at 9 last night), and then I lost it after the kids went to school. I think I had an anxiety attack. It started easily enough-just crying. Feeling bad after the kids left. I sat down to eat breakfast, and stupid Bringing Home Baby was on TLC (and who left the tv on 48?), and stupider me watched part of if it. I think I realized that it sucks to actually have (give birth) to the baby, but then you have the baby. I don't have a baby to be my "reward" for all the pain.
Then I talked to Angie on the phone, told her what was going on (me losing it), I got off the phone and took a shower. Somewhere in that time frame, I just lost it (I truly don't have better words). I was crying, but then I couldn't catch my breath, so I was breathing fast/really heavy. Then I didn't have the strength to stand up, so I sat. Then I still couldn't get enough air-I think I was getting dizzy from breathing hard. It's still hard to look back on it, but it helps me see what happened.
Ethan came in, since Ches was getting ready to take him to Mother's Day Out. I felt horrible, I couldn't talk to him or say bye. They just left. I finally pulled it together, and got out. After I had some control, I called the doctor's office and asked for some anti-anxiety medication that I could take in the day that didn't make me sleepy. They called in some Lexapro, and I lost it a little when she said that it wouldn't fully work for a month (geez, can I wait that long?) Anyway, I started it yesterday, so I hope it starts to work soon.
I felt myself getting really upset when I came home from picking Ethan up yesterday, but I was able to concentrate on breathing, and I was fine. I just get overwhelmed. Too many things to think about-and on top of all stuff baby, and not understanding, I can't find clothes to wear. Yesterday, I got dressed, but was still crazy sweating, and I could smell b.o.-even after I used my deodorant! I grossed out, threw the shirt in the laundry, washed off, and tried a better deodorant (not the silly moisturizing one)! And what to cover my tummy with?
Today my stomach is a little smaller. Good, but sad. Maybe I can wear some of my regular pants today? I weighed, and I had gained weight-go figure. Guess it's all the sleeping I did over the past few days? I'll work on it. Just keep breathing.
So, I'm hoping today is better. (I really don't think it could get worse.)
It's time to get the kids going, so I'd better go. (And take my meds!) Ha. It's not funny, but it's all I have to laugh at. ..Let's be happy for something small today. I'll try to find the tiny things. What can you find?
**Update: I am having a better day-I feel more like myself. Busy, accomplishing things, making beds and breakfast. Just better. Thanks for your prayers. They are working!**
It's been busy. Well, not that it's ever not.
Saturday was a long day, and I slept on and off. I got up to make baked potato soup that morning, to fill the crock pot. There was pain, and I started bleeding a lot more by afternoon. I stressed out and went to bed. I got up around 3:30, as Easter doesn't wait on me to feel better, and we started our little rituals. I boiled a couple dozen eggs-maybe 28? and then we cooled them, made the dye and laid out stickers. Clay was at baseball practice, and we didn't want to start without him. While we waited, we made 4 dozen sugar cookies to frost. About the time they came out, Clay came in and they started coloring eggs. I was hurting worse, so I asked Ches to help out. I got dinner ready, we ate, then I finished frosting/sprinkling cookies-the kids took off outside-it was so nice.
I got up Sunday with more blood, and called the hospital, then paged the nurse on call at my doctor's office. I was really getting worried. It'd been going so well, then downhill. I was in pain (even on my medicine), and was scared to be up too long. We didn't end up going to church, and the kids just played. I missed going. I knew it'd be a hard day when we saw our church friends again, as they'd either not know, and I'd have to tell them, or they would, and I'd cry. It was probably better we didn't go. I didn't know if I'd make it physically, or emotionally. I'd planned to wear this toile maternity dress, and it would've made me cry too. Mary Claire was disappointed about not wearing her new dress we got in Dallas, but there was nothing I could do.
We went to Mom's for lunch, and the kids played and hid eggs all afternoon. I came home, got ready for bed, and was asleep by 7:45. What a day! It's the most I've been awake since last Wednesday. : )
Today, I have been up-someone had to sort all those clothes in the dining room to get them cleared out-what a mess! Tomorrow, I have to get to packing. We leave for Disney on Sunday, and it's kinda been on the back burner. It's time to pack up-laundry's done, but my sweet girl is growing out of her clothes! I have to find at least 6 or 7 outfits to get us through.
I am planning to make a run to Branson to get the kids some clothes on Friday. My goal had been to go in late April/early May when we found out what the babies were, so I was waiting..well, she needs clothes now. The boys need some shorts too. And..I have to pick up her first communion dress at Strasburg. They've been holding in since the first of January, and I haven't had it shipped yet, since there was a tiny chance I'd be up there. Even if it's a quick trip, it'll work. I'm planning to take Ethan. He has such fits when he's not with me, so I feel bad leaving me. It might not go quite as smoothly, but he's a sweetie. I think he'll be fine. As long as I get some kid clothes and her dress, it'll be okay. I can save shopping for me till another day.
Ok, getting sleepy...I'm still going, so everything is okay.
I have scheduled an appointment with a high-risk specialty doctor in Little Rock for May 3rd. I am hoping he can give us some insight into what might be happening, and what our chances are for a successful pregnancy in the future. We need more input. Please pray for some answers, our discernment, and healing for all of us.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 (yes, again-emphasis on future tonight)
I have about 25 minutes till the Xanax kicks in to help me sleep. The old-fashioned way is just not working.
I made it through another day. I had my hair appointment this morning (if I'd rescheduled, it'd have been a good month to wait for a new time, and no thanks), so Ches drove me. He didn't work today, and I did need it. We got some pizza for lunch, and I laid down as soon as we got home. I didn't realize I'd let my pain medicine lapse, so by 6:30 this evening, I was in awful pain. It took almost an hour to start working since I'd just eaten, but it's better. I just don't want to take it all then run out, or get used to a lot, then they won't work when I'm hurting badly. But I'll try not to go so long if I can remember. I'm trying to tell someone when I take something (I always have this ambulance vision, where they ask what I've had. I want them to know!).
I've done more thinking-about everything. I don't know if I mentioned it (I don't think so), but I had a doctor's appointment last Monday (the 22nd), and the nurse said if it'd ease my mind (since I was crying), she'd try to check for fetal heart tones. She said it was just for fun, and if it'd scare me if we heard nothing (which was possible, she said), then we shouldn't check. I thought for a few minutes and told her I wanted to try to hear them because the benefits of easing my mind would be worth a lot. We tried, and heard nothing. She had me go to the bathroom to empty my bladder, then we listened again. She was pushing so hard on my body, it was hurting, but I wanted to hear as badly as she did. Still nothing. I didn't get too upset in the office, since she'd told me it might still be too early. But when I got in the van, I called Ches. I was upset. I tried to think reasonably, and I'd already felt them (all 8 legs and arms, and such a small space I guess), so I didn't worry too much more about it. She said I could come back on Thursday to try to listen again, but I thought if I still didn't hear them, it would be agony waiting for my ultrasound till the next Monday. I tried to be mature and patient, and waited till the next Monday.
I'm wondering if yuckiness was in the back of my mind, and I didn't want to give the thought room in my head. I also had a bad dream last Thursday. I woke up to a dream of Ethan falling off a huge ledge, and I'll spare you all the gory details, but he died in my dream. I couldn't catch my breath, I jumped out of bed, and panicked. I prayed for it to go away, for me to forget it. (I was having really bad dreams all week, but I read it was normal with the hormones running rampant.) Now all these things come back to me. Were they my body's way of preparing me? Was there something happening that I just didn't know? What if I'd insisted on an ultrasound the week before? What would I have found?
Now we found tons more info today about everything from miscarriages (I ordered three more books) to progesterone (did you know it rises all through pregnancy?), to fetal and maternal medicine specialists (we called the office in Little Rock for an appointment-at 4:30 today-and they had already turned on the machine for the weekend, they close at 4:30 every day). I am thankful to even know that I haven't lost hope.
I'm tired of crying, it wears me out. I want to be strong, and focus on the future-on what I can DO, but then what I had planned keeps creeping in. I lost not just two precious lives, but the dreams and hopes I had for them. I had worked out so many scenarios-like how to let them both wear the baptismal gown we had made almost 10 years ago-that all our kids have worn, how to get them both out of the car if I'm alone, how to feed them both, we studied options for another bed, for double strollers. It all seems so vain now. Why did I spend my time praying for two placentas so they'd be safest on my way to the last ultrasound, when I took for granted they were even alive? I mean, when do you slip from thank God for this day being pregnant to please let them be healthy and safe? We begin to take a tiny bit for granted, and it just feels wrong now.
I miss them already. I know I already lost five pounds, and it doesn't make me happy. My tummy is going down, but I'd gotten used to sleeping with my hand on my tummy at night. I'm totally less sleepy, but my doctor says it's because my mind can't slow down (but is it dropping hormones?).
I'm starting to relax and get sleepy, so I guess it's been 30 minutes. I pray for my kids, that they weather the storm (they see me damaged, Ches stressed, extra people here, their schedule modified), for our families' patience and time with us, and for us to not go overboard on a mission. We pray for our friends to stay strong, to not lose hope because of us, and for all the other families suffering at this same time. It's hard to reach out and minister to others when you are in pain, so we are of no help to anyone else right now. It's like all other things become unimportant, invisible even. The pain is blinding. I'm sorry if I'm failing you; I can't promise to do any better any time soon.
Today, Good Friday, Mary watched her Son carry his cross and die his earthly death-the agony in her heart is palpable. I can feel it. He was taken down, wrapped in linen, and laid in the tomb. We eagerly wait for the day we roll back the stone, and see the empty tomb. We can't wait to celebrate Him rising. May I humble myself again in awe and appreciation-and prepare.
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. John 14:3
Well, I made it. I have lived through some things that I truly thought would kill me. I've faced ugly fears and lived to tell about it. I can't say I was good about it though.
I went in for my d & c today. I was so thirsty (and had some forbidden water around 5:30 this morning), but wasn't starving. My mind was too busy. I was a baby about my iv. We had agreed (I'd told the doctor, and he agreed) that I'd get something (shot, sedative, etc.) before I got the iv, but it didn't happen. The anesthesiologist came in and said (all annoyed) that I could have some valium, but then it'd take 30 minutes to work, and then my surgery would get bumped. Decisions. I told the nurse she could have one try, then I wanted the valium and bumped surgery. She gave me some lidocaine, and got the iv in the first time (yes, I've had them taking multiple stabs at me). I was pretty much hyperventilating (kinda like I do at the dentist), crying, and not being so good. I just get scared, and can't control it. They pushed some stuff in my iv, but my adrenaline was so high, I never felt it.
They took me to surgery (with me not really wanting to go, as I liked the babies just fine where they were), and it was freezing. I was shaking so badly, and the nurse asked if I was anxious or cold (they could've hung meat in there! and why does it have to be so cold?). I told her both, but mostly freezing. She untied my gown, took off my robe, and moved me over to the freezer-bed. Before long, the anesthesiologist came in, gave me "oxygen", and a shot of a very painful medicine in my iv, and I was sucking in the crazy gas. I was out pretty quick.
The next thing I knew was waking up in the recovery room crying. I was hurting. I told them my pain was a 2 or 3, but apparently that wasn't the right thing to say (and I realized I should've studied those little face pictures with the numbers they gave me yesterday). I kept rocking from side to side holding my tummy (still crying, no meds), and she asked again, so I upped it to 3 or 4. Finally, she gave me something, and within a couple minutes the pain slowly lessened. Within five minutes (when I was just thinking I could take a nap), she took off my leg massagers (to prevent blood clots-and no, I couldn't feel massaging), pulled back the blankets, and swung my legs over the side of the bed to get up (already?). She walked me to the bathroom, told me to go, then told me my clothes were in the chair, and I needed to get dressed. I did what she told me, then opened the door ('cause, what now?). She walked me to a chair, got Ches (yes, he came), gave him exit instructions, and told him to get the car. Angie got the van, and I got in. She tried to send the blanket home with me, but I didn't really want it.
We went to Collier's and filled my prescription for Percocet. I was nervous not to have any medication at home. We went home, and mom made me some chicken soup (I hadn't eaten since yesterday!), and I laid in bed.
I stayed in bed all day/night, and did fine. I took more medicine around 4, then around 9:30. I have taken one each time-I don't want to take too much! I'm waiting on this one to start working before I go to sleep-I don't want to wake up in pain.
Jenifer came and made dinner-Mama Z's spaghetti (she made the sauce!), bread and salad-sooo good. I was starving by then, and ate tons. She'd said last night she'd make food, so I didn't bother to make anything this morning. We all ate so much, but there's more left! Ahh, I'm requesting (and begging for!) the recipe. It's so good. I think if you've grown up eating it, it makes it even better. Mmmm...I needed something good.
I've done better than I thought I would. I thought I'd be in horrible pain, sleeping, and whiny. But it's been okay (as okay as it could be). I can feel my tummy is empty, and I'm dealing with it. It's still kinda big, but not all round-y and firm like it was. I already miss them. I did ask what they would do with them, and if I could see them. He said he's had people ask to have their babies, but he doesn't recommend it. He said they don't look like you think they do.
We also asked if he could tell what sex they were, and he said probably not. He said he couldn't tell (and I wonder about the whole process really, and if that's why they can't tell). I am trying not to think about it.
I'm mentally okay too and thankful. It could go either way in the next week or so, but I'm trying not to lose all hope. I didn't lose my uterus, and that's a move in the right direction. The doctor said that there was a lot of tissue and blood, and he's glad I let him do the d&c. It went fine. He said if we try again, we need to wait at least 3 months. A year=the soonest we'd have a child. Now, I have all sorts of other things to sort out.
I think my medicine is kicking in, I have no pain, and I should sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm supposed to take it easy, and Saturday should be better.
My admissions nurse had a quote above her desk (on a teensy post-it) which I've read before, but it's reassuring to read again: The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you. I can't find scripture reference, as it seems to be a quote, but here are the two nearest references. It still makes me think, and you just want to believe it. Of course it made me cry (especially since it was just up there for her personal reminder, but it helped me too). God put it there, and I know.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
